


The Conflicted Heart

by Babybucky1943



Category: Marvel
Genre: Angst, Bucky food aversions, Bucky in diapers, Bucky recovering, Bucky triggered, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Steve is in control, Wetting, bucky needs steve, diaper changes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-13
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-23 05:15:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 27,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16612598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Babybucky1943/pseuds/Babybucky1943
Summary: Bucky wants to be controlled, needs it badly, but when Steve concedes, Bucky pushes the boundaries. Will he push Steve away? Or will they finally find their friendship again?





	1. Locked Doors

Bucky Barnes lay in bed,waiting impatiently for the sun to rise. 

At sunrise, Steve had promised him a run. He needed the exercise. He wasn’t supposed to leave his room until six am. Or until Steve came and got him. Truthfully, he couldn’t. Steve usually locked him in.

It was for his own safety. He knew that. Yet, it still grated that he couldn’t be trusted to function on his own even for a few hours. He’d been in the Avengers tower for almost four months now. Steve didn’t trust him. 

He still didn’t sleep well at night. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept all night.He got up, padding to the door. He wondered if Steve had locked it.

He tried the door. Locked.

That was his own damn fault. Steve had given him all the freedom he wanted at first when he’d come to be with him.

A week later after a harsh nightmare, Bucky left the tower, intending to find any Hydra personnel and do away with them. He was sure they were watching him.

He got all the way to downtown DC and had a memory lapse which left him disoriented and in a panic. He’d attacked a police officer, wounding him. It took ten officers to subdue him and drug him into submission. He was arrested and locked up for the night.

When Steve came to the precinct the next morning he’d looked at Bucky with relief and sadness mingling in those big baby blue eyes of his.

Bucky had felt like total crap. He could hardly even remember attacking the officer. He often blanked out during a panic attack.

He’d been let off with a warning and a promise that Steve would keep him under control. That was when Steve had started locking Bucky into his room at night. At least that’s how he remembered it happening. His memories weren’t always clear. 

Had he already tried the door? Maybe Steve had forgotten to lock it. He just needed a drink or something. He grabbed the knob and yanked with his right hand. Locked. 

_Another locked door. This one was metal. Peeling paint. The room was cold. He’d been put in the room without a shirt just pants, that were wet. He’d peed his pants again. He was waiting to be punished. Whipping was the usual way of punishing this particular malfunction of the Soldier’s._

“Steve!” He had an intercom to get Steve’s attention if he needed him. He roughly pushed the memory away by smacking his head against the wall. 

He felt his padded crotch. Wet. Of course he was. The incontinence hadn’t improved any with being away from Hydra. If anything, it had gotten worse. At least he had bowel control.

He went to the window and stared out at the moonlit landscape far below. They were in the Avengers compound, on one of the top private floors. Even if there weren’t decorative iron bars on his window it was too far to jump.

His frustration was starting to flare up. He went to the closet and got a sheet of bubble wrap that Steve kept there for him. He sat down on his bed again and started mindlessly popping the bubbles. It kind of sounded like popcorn. He was hungry. He prowled his room looking for any forgotten snack. 

His meals and snacks were tightly controlled. Probably because Steve got tired of him puking after every meal because he had no idea of when he was full. He would just eat till the food was gone. At Hydra he’d gone without so often.

Now Steve gave him portions. He never felt that he was full but he didn’t throw up anymore. The frustration returned and he growled. “I need the time! Is it morning?” No one answered. 

One thing Steve didn’t allow him to have was a clock. He wanted Bucky to rest. When Bucky kept track of the time, he didn’t rest. He counted the hours and sometimes the minutes. He would become mesmerized by the ticking second hand.

He went back to the bubble wrap. When the sheet was flat, he got up again and resumed his agitated pacing. Thoughts were coming too quickly now. Memories flashed brokenly in his mind. Locked in, locked up, ice, cold. At least Steve never let him get cold.

This locked door at Steve’s had started with memories in his broken messed up brain. Memories that had triggered him to run away, memories of a place where pain was used as motivation to make him do what they wanted. Now he was pacing like a caged animal. A big cat agitated and ready to tear any prey to pieces. 

_Locked in the cold room, he lay shivering on the small pallet, his back bleeding from the flogging. The punishment was over. His skin would heal. The trauma would be wiped away tomorrow in the chair. The smell of urine reminded him that he was already broken. He could never be whole. No matter how many times they wiped his mind, he would always have this physical reminder. He didn’t remember when it had started. It just had._

He growled impatiently. “Steve! What’s the time?!” He could hear the petulance in his voice but he needed grounding or he would work himself into a lather.  He had to calm down. He tried to remember what his therapist had told him about calming techniques. 

The A.I. that kept the building running smoothly, interjected. “Mister Barnes, I am aware that you don’t trust me, but I can give you the time.”

Bucky didn’t trust the woman’s voice. Steve called it Friday. 

“What time is it,” he growled, backing against the wall. He didn’t trust a bodiless voice.

“It is 3:43 am.”

Bucky sighed loudly and slid to the floor. He must have peed again because his diaper was feeling soggy now. He couldn’t even change. Therapist....calming...he’d been trying to recall. Oh yes. Breathing and counting to five. Counting was easy sometimes  other times the numbers got jumbled. He took a deep breath and held it. Once his breathing had slowed, he wondered if Steve would come change him. 

Steve wouldn’t leave a spare in here.

Two weeks ago Bucky had destroyed an entire bag of diapers while he was having a meltdown. He couldn’t even remember why.

His metal hand had shredded them like they were tissue paper. The mess had been horrendous, the synthetic filling had been everywhere, including in his hair.

After the entire room had been cleaned and vacuumed and Bucky had been bathed, Steve had kept any present and future bags in his room.

Steve never punished him for meltdowns. He sometimes wished Steve would. It would make him feel more like he was getting what he deserved. 

His therapist said feeling emotions on a large scale was not abnormal for the amount of abuse he had suffered. Anger was always hardest to control. His temper tantrums left him feeling exhausted and often foggy in the head. 

So Steve let him throw temper tantrums and just kept him safe throughout them.

Bucky let his head fall back and bump against the wall. Another hour or so and Steve would come for him. Until then he would have to stay here. 

He got up, tugging at his pajama pants to try and make the diaper more comfortable. He retrieved the book he’d been reading last night and lay down on the bed again. 

Steve allowed him to read. He was glad. It was a privilege. He was currently reading a Stephen King novel, called The Outsider. It’s horror content gave him something to think about besides the memories that plagued him.


	2. Steps To Recovery

Steve Rogers was awake. He’d heard his best friend prowling around like a caged lion in his room.

He wished Bucky would sleep.

The therapist had given him a long list of things to try to get Bucky to sleep at night because he absolutely refused medication. 

The therapist had talked to him at length after Bucky had begged Steve to take control of him. He couldn’t function on his own. So, unwillingly and with guidance from professionals, Steve had taken over Bucky’s care in a very tightly scheduled way. Sleeping was the biggest struggle next to the incontinence.

The therapist had recommended scheduled bathroom breaks for the incontinence but that hadn’t worked at all. Bucky would sit on the toilet as ordered for five minutes then get up and wet himself two minutes later.

To help him sleep, Steve tried no caffeine after lunch, reading, no tv after dinner, nothing stimulating after seven since his bedtime was at eight thirty; the list went on.

Steve tried to get Bucky to relax. He bought him comfortable pajamas, books to read, and fuzzy blankets.

Bucky seemed particularly drawn to the soft micro fibre plush throws. Steve had gotten him four different ones so he could have one in any room he pleased. He dragged them around the house most days.

He heard Bucky call and ask for the time. The therapist had told him to try not to interact unless it was unavoidable. Once in awhile Bucky would call when he needed to use the bathroom at night. 

Bucky’s memory gaps were sometimes very painful for Steve but he kept going. Bucky had forgotten that he’d begged Steve to control him. He would ask for more freedom or threaten to break out but the therapist suggested that Steve stick to the routine until he was stronger. 

It was almost 4:30. There was going to be no more sleeping. He was hearing Bucky mumbling and the unmistakeable thump of him probably banging his head on the wall. Bucky didn’t always know how to react to memories and would cause himself pain to deal with it. He sat up, pulling on sweats and a T-shirt.

“Steve,” Bucky’s voice came plaintively over the intercom. “I need to go bathroom.”

Steve sighed. Bucky knew that was one way Steve would let him out of his room. But Steve had also made it clear that if he was saying it just to get out of his room he wouldn’t get the privilege right away again. 

Steve went and unlocked the heavy steel lock and pulled the door open. Bucky was standing there impatiently. He had a light bruise on his forehead. Nothing too serious. 

Steve motioned to the bathroom. He saw that Bucky’s diaper was sagging pretty good. “Go sit on the toilet. I’ll grab you a clean diaper.”

That had been a battle royale when Bucky had first moved in.

He didn’t want to wear diapers. He’d screamed and cried that he wasn’t a baby. He railed at Steve for trying to humiliate him. He would rather wet the bed or his pants. Steve had let it go for a week or so but when it became apparent that Bucky had no bladder control, Steve had insisted.

The first day that Bucky had been diapered and had wet himself and not had to change his pants, he’d conceded that maybe he could wear them. Steve didn’t know if it was due to all the torture or the mind wiping. However, now it had become routine to change every four to six hours depending how much he drank. He went back to his room and grabbed a dry diaper and a box of wipes.

When he returned to the bathroom he could smell that Bucky hadn’t been lying. “Good job, Buck,” he said absently. “Did you throw your diaper in the trash?” 

Bucky nodded.

“Do you need to be wiped?” Steve asked. He wasn’t sure why Hydra hadn’t allowed him to clean himself after using the toilet but after the first day when Bucky had called for him to wipe his bum, Steve had tried to teach him. He usually needed reminding though or help. 

Bucky nodded, leaned forward and pulled his shirt up.

Steve gently wiped him clean with a flushable wipe, then stepped back. “Okay. All done. Flush please.”

Steve washed his hands while Bucky watched the toilet flush. He wasn’t sure what was so mesmerizing about it but certain things made Bucky tune out. “Wash your hands,” he reminded.

Bucky washed his hands methodically and then followed Steve to his bedroom. “Is it time to go out? I don’t want to rest anymore.”

“Yeah,” Steve answered. “Get diapered and dressed and we’ll go for a run.”

“I can’t do these ones by myself,” Bucky reminded with a sigh, holding the diaper out. “They’re the ones with the tapes. My metal hand rips the tapes.”

Steve took it. “Lay on your bed.” They’d tried pull-ups but his wetting had just been too heavy and he’d kept leaking so Steve started putting him in actual adult diapers. After a few days of tantrums Bucky had accepted the change. 

Bucky pulled his T-shirt up again and lay down.

Steve got the diaper underneath him and looked hesitantly at Bucky’s penis. “Does your dick hurt?” He asked, noting the redness.

“Yeah,” Bucky said nonchalantly. His lack of reaction to pain was a great concern to his therapist so Steve tried to keep an eye on anytime Bucky hurt himself. Diaper rash wasn’t constant but it was something they dealt with regularly.

Steve put Penaten diaper cream on the area then diapered Bucky and tossed him sweats and a T-shirt.

“Get dressed. I’ll go get us some water bottles.” He headed to the kitchen. At least Bucky didn’t melt down anymore at getting dressed in civilian clothing. He’d worn his tac clothes for the first four days that he’d been with Steve until the stench of stale urine became too much.

Steve grabbed two large bottles of water and two small sweat towels and put them in his backpack.

Bucky appeared, dressed and ready to go. He stretched his legs with Steve and then they headed outside into the fresh, crisp morning air. 


	3. Two Steps Back

Bucky loved the morning air. It always smelled so good. After his years in captivity, he loved fresh air and inhaled it with gusto.

Steve shot him a grin. “Ready?”

Bucky nodded, an answering grin on his face.

“Walking trail, five laps and back home,” Steve instructed, tossing him a towel and a bottle of water.

Bucky nodded.

They started off at an easy pace but it wasn’t long before they were running fast enough for Bucky to feel the pull in his legs and the effort of breathing in his chest. It felt GOOD! He put on a burst of speed and passed Steve on the trail, gasping out a laugh and kept going.

There were very few people out at this time in the morning. The walking trail was empty save for them. His water was gone by the time he finished five laps. He didn’t bother to look back. He could hear Steveabout three feet behind him.

He was sweating and it was a good feeling. He’d needed this after the last few days. He mopped his face with the towel.

They were almost back at the tower when Steve suddenly passed him in a burst of speed and Bucky had to slow down to laugh and then to pee. He slowed to a walk until the flow stopped.

Steve was waiting at the door. “You good?”

Bucky nodded, still giggling. “Yep. Good run. Just had to stop to piss.”

Steve nodded. “Thought that might be the case. I gotta go too. Let’s get upstairs.”

Back in the apartment, Steve relieved himself then turned the shower on. “C’mon, Buck. Let’s shower.”

Bucky felt the familiar cold panic settle into his stomach. His therapist had worked with him at length on this already. Steve was his safe person.

Showering, bathing, cleaning himself in general was hard. So much trauma was associated with it.

All the water he’d drank and hadn’t peed out now wanted out through his mouth. He swallowed hard.

Steve was always patient. Letting him process and prepare himself, listen to the water running, figure out that he was safe here, with Steve.

He went into the bathroom as ordered but he was shaking now. It happened every time. Steve knew it did. He always looked sorry to make Bucky shower but it was necessary.

Bucky tried to breathe and then lurched towards the toilet, vomiting up the water he’d had. The nausea eased somewhat just leaving the cold fingers of unnamed terror clinging in his gut. He hadn’t been able to remember much of why he was so afraid to shower. He just was.

He stripped because Steve was already naked and waiting. He took Steve’s hand in his right flesh hand although it was probably colder than the metal one right now from the panic.

Steve helped him step into the tub and shut the curtain. Bucky squeezed his eyes shut tight under the warm spray, and let Steve wash him. He whimpered without intending to when Steve washed gently below his waist. He felt the vague terror pressing at his memories but he pushed back, not wanting to remember.

Once they were both clean, Steve tossed him a towel. “Come to my room. I’ll get you diapered.”

Bucky felt like a baby for making Steve do all this. “You should probably just hire a fuckin’ nanny,” he growled, the after effects of panic making him angry. 

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “Why’s that?”

Bucky shrugged. “Because I’m not worth this much effort, Steve.” The anger dissipated, leaving cold hard acceptance in its place. He was broken. He would never NOT be broken. 

He saw pain flash through Steve’s eyes but it was true. Bucky wasn’t worth all the trouble he caused.

Steve wrapped a towel around his waist and started drying Bucky off. “To me, you are.”

Bucky felt tears pricking at the back of his eyes. Steve said it every day. Every time he told Steve to just let him go, he wouldn’t.

Bucky followed Steve to the bedroom and lay down on the bed when Steve motioned him to. He felt goosebumps crawl up his skin and he shivered.

Steve rubbed more diaper cream on the affected areas and then taped the diaper snugly. “Go get dressed and we’ll have some breakfast.”

Bucky went to his own room. He looked at the dresser drawers. Each one was labelled. Socks were in the top drawer, shirts were in the second, pants in the third and hoodies in the fourth. Pajamas were in the bottom drawer but he didn’t need those now. He got dressed and pulled a hoodie over his t shirt. His hair was still damp from washing. He pulled a brush through it and left it hanging around his face.

When he got to the kitchen, Steve was already cooking eggs and slices of ham on an electric griddle.

“You wanna pour orange juice?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded and got two glasses down.He found the carton of orange juice in the fridge and carefully filled the first cup. He started filling the second cup but the carton was empty before he even got it filled a third of the way. Panic filled his brain and he couldn’t think. Blood rushed in his ears. He was going to be punished for sure. He should have made sure to put an even amount in both cups. Was it a test? Had Steve done it on purpose? He looked at Steve’s broad back.

“You did it on purpose!” He burst out. “You just want to see me mess up!” The handlers always wanted to see him mess up so they could laugh at his incompetence.

Steve turned. “Bucky? What happened?”

Bucky threw the empty carton on the floor and started screaming Russian expletives at Steve, ending with “I hate you,” spoken in English.

He started sobbing loudly, kicking the empty carton.

“Bucky, there’s more orange juice in the fridge,” Steve said, but the words didn’t make any sense to him.

He pushed the mostly empty glass, the sign of his failure, off the table. He heard it shatter , seeing the orange juice spray over the broken glass. He tipped a chair over then ran to his room, throwing himself on the bed.He pounded his right fist against the mattress then hit his face repeatedly with his fist to try and ease the agonizing emotional pressure that was tearing at him.

A few moments later, he felt strong hands grab both of his wrists firmly and pull him up into a strong, restraining embrace that he was helpless to break out of.

He fought it at first, terrified and angry but, slowly, his fear and anger changed to exhaustion.

He stopped fighting, his brain in a fog. He could hardly remember getting to his bedroom.

Steve was holding him which meant he’d had a meltdown. He couldn’t remember why.

 


	4. History Lesson

Steve held Bucky tightly until he finally felt him relax. The occupational therapist they’d seen a few times had shown Steve how to hold Bucky so he couldn’t hurt himself and so the pressure would help him calm down. He loved holding Bucky even though he couldn’t say so. It felt so right. Just like it had years ago. 

He gently kissed the purpling bruises on the left side of Bucky’s face. The metal arm left bruises and scrapes and sometimes cuts if he hit hard enough. “Buck, you need to stop hitting yourself.”

It took so little to set him off some days. He stroked Bucky’s soft hair gently.

Bucky wasn’t fully aware of his surroundings yet. Steve could tell because he didn’t respond when Steve sat him up a bit more on his lap, collapsing inwards on himself.

Steve propped him up. It seemed like such a small thing. Pouring juice. He’d talked to the therapist enough to know it was never that simple though. These things upset him because of things that had happened to him at Hydra.

Mental note: making sure there was always enough juice for two cups. Another thing to put on the growing list of triggers. 

Bucky sighed and slowly turned his head. “Is it breakfast?” His voice sounded tired.

“You bet it is,” Steve said, helping him stand and making sure he was steady before letting him go. 

They went to the kitchen. Bucky sat in his designated chair while Steve dished up breakfast. Bucky had a special set of divided plates that kept his food separated. Some foods were okay to touch but other foods if they touched he wouldn’t eat them.

Steve cut the ham and eggs into bite sized pieces. Bucky’s toast was cut into quarters in case he decided to stuff an entire piece in his mouth. The last space was used for a handful of juicy blueberries. Steve had poured fresh apple juice and put the orange juice away to avoid further problems.

Bucky would sometimes eat so quickly he would choke, as if he was afraid someone would take away his plate before he was done.

Steve was working on getting him to slow down.

Steve tried not to watch Bucky openly. He had issues with being watched especially while he was eating.

He winced as Bucky gagged from putting four pieces of ham in his mouth at once and trying to swallow without chewing.The occupational therapist had been working on this too but it was slow going.

“One piece at a time,” he reminded.

Bucky grumbled something thenresorted to using his fingers instead of a fork to eathis food.He picked up a piece of egg and shoved it in his mouth, sucking his fingers noisily.

Steve didn’t interrupt. If Bucky melted down he would upset his eating routine.Eating with Bucky wasn’t easy. 

Once their plates were empty, Bucky craned his neck to look at the griddle. “Is there more eggs?”

“Nope,” Steve said, bluntly. He had learned very quickly that Bucky had no “full” indicator. He just ate till he was sick. “You wanna watch tv? Or would you like to go to the games room for a bit?”

“Games room,” Bucky said immediately.He liked playing the video games that Tony had installed.

“Alright,” Steve said. “Let’s put our dishes in the dishwasher first.”He opened the dishwasher and slid out the rack, putting his dishes in.

Bucky carefully put his plate and glass in, then eyed the small soap compartment. He flipped the lid back and forth several times until Steve took his hand. “Let’s go play Pac-Man.”

Clint Barton was in the games room, playing Mario Kart.

Bucky watched for a few minutes, mesmerized by the colours and action. 

Steve eyed him, never sure how Bucky was going to react from one day to the next around his other friends. He let him watch Clint for a few minutes then distracted him. “Wanna play a game with me?” 

Bucky nodded.

He and Bucky started a friendly competition of shuffle board. It reminded Steve of the bars they frequented in the forties. They’d play a lot. He and Bucky were a winning team. No one could beat them.

Bucky looked thoughtfully at the powder and traced a heart into it. “My Steve,” he whispered.

Steve’s heart lurched. Did Bucky remember? His heart beat hard. “We used to play,” he said, but Bucky wasn’t listening. He’d  lost interest  and wandered back to the blinking, beeping video game bank. Steve sighed. For just a moment he thought they’d connected. 

Clint finished his race and got up. “I gotta get to the range. Have fun!” He slung an arm around Steve’s shoulder in a friendly gesture.

Bucky hissed at him. “My Steve!” He launched himself forward but Steve caught him, holding his arm tightly.

Clint put up a hand to show he’d meant no harm. “Sorry buddy. I wasn’t claiming him.”

Steve pushed down the frustration he felt. He loved Bucky dearly but he didn’t belong to him. At least not anymore. Everyone in the tower knew that back before Bucky was lost, they’d been an item. Ancient history.

Bucky pushed against his arm even after Clint was gone. Without a word he embraced Steve and put his hands on his shoulders, drawing him in.

Steve didn’t have time to think about it.

Bucky cupped his jaw and pulled him close, lips grazing his, a possessive, hungry look in his eyes.

Steve had wanted this for so long, he forgot momentarily that Bucky didn’t remember.

He crushed his lips against Bucky’s, desperate for the one relationship he wanted more than any other.

Bucky kissed him back, hands quiet on his shoulders.

Steve pulled back, looking into Bucky’s eyes. He nearly cried. There was no recognition there.He saw only the broken soldier that he was trying to heal. He was pretty sure Bucky’s therapist wouldn’t be happy about this.

Bucky let his hands drop. “My Steve.”

Steve was going to correct him but decided that it would send mixed signals considering he’d just kissed him. Chances were, Bucky would forget anyway.

He turned back to the shuffleboard table and idly traced hearts in the powder. For him, it didn’t matter. Bucky could be broken for the rest of his life and Steve would never love him any less. “My Bucky,” he said softly.

Bucky looked up, looked over at Steve and a slow smile spread over his face. He nodded.

For the first time since Steve had realized Bucky was alive, a tiny glimmer of hope flamed inside of him. Maybe Bucky did remember. At least a little.

 


	5. Save You From Me

Bucky was quiet on the elevator ride back to their apartment. Something strange had happened when Steve had kissed him. Like maybe they had been together before. It had sparked memories that tumbled inside his head in a mad mess.

The fierce protectiveness he’d felt back in the games room had startled him. Steve could handle himself. Yet that feeling persisted. The more he tried to grasp the memory the less clear it became. This frustrated him so much! He was agitated by the time they got back to their place.

The more the feeling persisted, the less clear it became. What did he need to protect Steve from? Barton was Steve’s friend.

A vague memory of Steve when he was smaller, sick, beat up, came to his mind. He grasped it with every ounce of his being, not moving as he focused. He remembered kissing Steve then. Steve was hurt. He was protecting him. He could protect Steve.

He glanced at Steve. His buddy seemed lost in thought, his eyes somewhat dreamy.Had Bucky’s kiss made him happy? Steve would never be in danger with the Winter Soldier close by.

 

_The shield came at him and he deftly caught it, running full force at the man he was ordered to kill. His metal arm went around Steve Rogers throat and he tried to squeeze but Rogers was strong. Stronger than any other target he had been sent to destroy. He tried harder. He had to complete the mission._

 

Bucky turned away again, punching his own shoulder. Stupid! Why had he kissed Steve? It had awakened something inside of him that he wasn’t ready for.The Winter Soldier wasn’t Steve’s ally. He was an enemy. How long until Bucky turned on Steve and finished the mission? How long until he hurt Steve? A kiss was not something pleasant any longer. It was just something to torture him with.

Memories came in waves of Hydra agents forcing kisses on him while he was tied down, sucking the breath out of him so his screams couldn’t escape while they raped him. He forcefully pushed the memories away and moved away from Steve, his breathing getting raspy with the effort to control his spiking emotions. 

Steve hadn’t held him down. Steve was good. Bucky wasn’t good anymore. He wasn’t Steve’s Bucky. He was just a stupid broken soldier. “Fuck!” He swore suddenly, startling Steve.

“What’s wrong, Buck?” Steve asked, immediately attuned to his emotional state.

Bucky shrugged and curled into a corner of the couch. “You wouldn’t understand.”

He realized that he needed to protect Steve from this broken, angry Bucky. Steve thought he was his Bucky. He had said ‘my Bucky’. Didn’t he realize that Bucky was broken now? That he was in danger?

“Try me,” Steve said with an inviting smile. “I’m always ready to listen.”

“Well stop!” Bucky yelled, hitting his face with his left fist, leaving a cut. He felt the blood running down his face. It felt right. He liked hurting himself. Better than hurting Steve. 

“Bucky!” Steve said, concern and sorrow tinging his voice. “I’ll get a bandaid.”

Bucky got to his feet, anger overriding everything else. “You can’t fix me, Steve! Stop trying! I’m not the same Bucky as I was in 1945!”

He stood, still trying to see through the white light covering his vision. When his emotions got too big it happened. He didn’t want it to happen now! It caused him to sway dizzily. He stumbled away from Steve’s outstretched hand. “Get away from me. I just hurt you.”

“Bucky!” Steve called. “Don’t do this. I don’t care who you are now. I still love you.”

Bucky regained his balance. “You’re just saying that! I’m not good for you!” Before Steve could stop him, he bolted for the door and through it, charging for the stairs. He was breaking the rules by leaving without a chaperone but he didn’t care. He’d be better off locked up. Away from people he could hurt.

He had to get out, away from Steve, away from the memories of loving Steve. He wasn’t good enough to love. He was confused by the wetness on his face. He was crying but he didn’t know why. The therapist said his emotions were all out of place because of Hydra’s abuse.

He didn’t even notice that he had run down eighteen flights of stairs. He just had to get away. Away from wanting Steve again and being terrified of hurting Steve to the point of not healing.

The things Hydra had put inside him were dangerous. The more he remembered, the more dangerous he became. Today, remembering that Steve loved him, hadn’t come from Hydra but it terrified him.If he let himself love Steve, he could hurt him badly. Bucky knew this without a doubt. He always hurt people. Especially good people. Every target, every kill, sat just under that protective shield of memory loss. 

His feet pounded in time to his heartbeat and the blood rushing loudly in his ears. Panic overwhelmed him and he leapt down almost the entire last flight, crashing through the exit and out onto the street. He didn’t care where he went. He just had to go. He had to protect Steve.


	6. Where We Are Now

Steve stood there in shock, staring at the door where Bucky had disappeared.What had happened to trigger this big of a reaction? Was it the kiss?

Bucky had started it.... He was tempted to beat himself like Bucky did. Unfortunately that wasn’t going to solve any problems. He’d just broken the legal parameters of Bucky’s freedom.

“Friday, get Tony,” he said in a strained voice.

Tony and Clint appeared a few moments later, concern evident on both their faces when they saw him.

“What happened Cap?” Tony asked quickly.

“Bucky....he...” Steve struggled against the emotion welling up, motioning towards the door.

“Friday, track Seargent Barnes,” Tony ordered.

“He is heading downtown, towards the intersection of Laverde Avenue and Corin Street.” The A.I. fell silent.

Steve looked incredulously at Tony, finding his voice again. “You _LOJACKED_ Bucky?”

“Good thing too,” Tony said absently, bringing up a map on his watch. “Let’s go before the cops find him.”

They hurried to get in one of Tony’s SUV’s and took off, tires squealing.

Steve watched the streets and sidewalks from the front passenger seat anxiously for any sign of Bucky.

Friday kept them up to date on his location. He was still on the move. 

“Why’d he take off?” Tony asked suddenly. 

Steve didn’t want to tell him what had happened. Was it any of Tony’s business? He supposed maybe it was now since they were out chasing after Bucky.

“I........kissed him.” Steve said in a low voice.

Tony glanced at him, unspoken questions flitting over his face. “Good god, Steve. I’m guessing he wasn’t readyfor that. I mean, no judgement. I understand. But.... What made you do that?”

“He kissed me first,” Steve whispered, his voice breaking.He felt stupid and ashamed for giving in but greater than that was the longing to have Bucky back.

Tony looked at him for several long moments. “He kissed you first? You think he remembers?”

”I don’t know,” Steve said miserably. “How are we going to get him into the vehicle?”

”You grab him first, and Clint and I will get behind him,” Tony mused. “That should work. If not-“

Clint suddenly shouted, “THERE!”

Tony pulled the wheel so sharply he nearly took out a light post and a mailbox. 

Steve grabbed the dashboard his eyes darting about wildly.

Bucky was huddled next to a dumpster, off to the side, shaking. Steve could see him shaking. He felt his heart break anew. 

Steve was out of the vehicle before it had stopped completely. In a few long strides he was beside him.

He gathered Bucky into his arms. “Bucky, honey.” He hoped Clint and Tony would hurry and that the plan would work. Bucky needed care. 

Bucky looked at him then, eyes full of tears, his face full of bruises.

Steve didn’t comment. He just pulled him more firmly into his embrace. “Bucky, look at me,” he commanded gently. 

Bucky saw Tony and Clint in his peripheral and pushed against Steve so hard that he went tumbling back. “I wasn’t hurting him!” He wailed and turned to run again. 

Steve had temporarily lost his breath. Dammit! Freaking sniper skills! He was only stunned for a moment though. He got to his feet, ready to give chase.

Tony held him back. “Let Clint.”

In one smooth move, Clint grabbed an arrow and fired. “Sorry, man.”

Steve shook his head. “NO!”  but it was too late.

Bucky took a few more steps, grabbing viciously at the arrow in his neck. He howled in anger and anguish, then collapsed.

“Why did you shoot him??” Steve yelled, as he hurried to his side, gently lifting Bucky into his arms. What if he was dead? He couldn’t lose Bucky again! He almost stumbled under Bucky’s dead weight. He wasn’t light. “We have to get him to the tower now!” 

Clint sighed. “It’s just a tranquilizer that Bruce made up that’s strong enough to take a super soldier down, Steve.  We figured after last time he took off it might be necessary.”

Steve shot Tony a dirty look. “You could’ve warned me!”

He breathed through the adrenaline crash and was relieved to see Bucky’s chest rising and falling normally. 

He was thankful that he was super soldier strong. They got the drugged escapee into the SUV and Steve told Clint to get in the front. He needed to calm down.

He was still silently berating himself for giving in to Bucky’s kiss. That had to be what set him off. Steve didn’t have an easy time forgiving himself especially where Bucky was involved. 

Steve sat in the back seat, cradling Bucky’s head and running a finger, feather light, over the cuts and bruises already healing on his face.

He whispered a litany of apologies to him. How could he be so stupid! Bucky had started the kiss, yes, but it was just a knee jerk reaction to some vague memory. He’d reacted like a desperate teenager.

He vowed to keep himself in check from now on, no matter what Bucky did.

At the tower, Tony and Clint helped him get Bucky to his bed.

“Let me know when Sleeping Beauty wakes up,” Tony said. “I want to check the arm. It looks like he may have sustained some damage.”

Steve nodded and they left, leaving him alone with Bucky. His arm looked okay but it did have some deep scratches. He changed Bucky since he was quite wet, then sat beside his bed, waiting for the tranq to wear off.

It did in about half an hour.

Bucky slowly rolled over, sluggishly sitting up. “Oh god, my head.”

“Headache?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded.

Steve got him a glass of water and several Tylenol. While he was in the kitchen he asked Friday to alert Tony.

“This should help.” He said, returning to the bedroom with the pills. He wondered if Bucky remembered. Sometimes, he forgot what happened when his emotions took over.

Bucky swallowed the tablets and drained the glass. “Is it morning?” He asked in confusion.

Steve shook his head. “It’s after lunch. We kind of skipped it. You hungry?”

Bucky nodded.

Steve forced a smile. “C’mon. I’ll make grilled cheese sandwiches.”

Bucky nearly fell when he got out of bed. “I’m dizzy.” He looked at Steve suspiciously. “What happened? What’d I do?”

Before Steve could answer, Tony breezed in and started looking at Bucky’s arm.

Steve led him to the kitchen and sat him down, at Tony’s request for better light.

Tony tinkered for a few minutes, then polished the silver metal.

“Lift for me.”

Bucky raised his arm, the gears whirring softly.

“Better.” Tony picked up his tools. “Barnes, I like it better when I’m not having to chase you all over the city.” He left while Bucky shot Steve a confused look.

Steve sighed and began telling him in the barest of details as to what had transpired.

Bucky frowned. “I thought it was a dream. Damn. Did I hurt you?”

Steve shook his head. “No Buck. You could never hurt me.”

Bucky sat silent, his hair around his face.

Steve made four sandwiches. He hoped the food would help cut the tension. He cut Bucky’s sandwich into small squares and put some cucumber slices on the plate. Might not be the best day to introduce a new vegetable but this was all he had. He poured two glasses of milk, then sat down opposite Bucky, pushing his plate in front of him.

Bucky didn’t look up. He started eating his food. He hesitantly poked at the cucumber.

Steve watched him furtively. “It’s cucumber Bucky. It’s good. Crunchy.”

Bucky glanced at him, then back at the offending vegetable.He hesitantly picked it up and licked it with the tip of his tongue. He made a face. “No thanks.”

Steve nodded. “Okay. Thanks for trying it.” Usually he insisted that Bucky try a bite but Bucky was already exhausted today. He could see it in his face.

He ate his sandwiches then pointed at his milk. “I need a straw, Steve.”

Steve got up. “Sorry bud. I forgot.” He pulled a blue straw from the package and gave it to him.

Bucky insisted on drinking his milk with a straw.

Steve finished his own lunch and put his dishes in the dishwasher.

He wondered if he should put Bucky to bed for a rest. The poor guy was so tired he couldn’t even focus.

Bucky resisted when Steve mentioned it.

Steve smiled. “How about if we go in my bedroom and watch a movie then?”

Bucky grinned. “Okay.” He enjoyed watching movies, especially in Steve’s room.

“Grab your blanket,” Steve said.

Bucky picked his favourite fuzzy blanket and followed Steve to the bedroom where Steve put on the Disney classic Bolt.

Bucky liked dogs and he loved the movie. They were only about ten minutes in however, before Bucky was sound asleep on Steve’s bed.

Steve carefully covered him with the blanket and stroked his hair gently.

Maybe someday, Bucky would get better and they could look at being more than what they were now.

Steve wasn’t even sure what they would be now. He was Bucky’s friend.

To Bucky though, he was pretty sure, he was just a handler most days.

 

 


	7. Memory Lane

Bucky came out of his nap an hour and a half later, feeling a little less foggy.

He could tell the day had been weird though, because Steve wasn’t relaxed. He was walking on eggshells and a little too bright and happy.

Dinner consisted of Bucky’s favourite food ever which was a homemade burger and fries. There weren’t even any vegetables on his plate, save for the lettuce and pickles on his burger. Steve always made him eat vegetables. He couldn’t remember what he’d done to upset Steve this much.

They ate in silence for a few moments then Bucky looked at Steve. “Okay. What’s going on? You’re looking at me like I’m gonna break.”

Steve blushed a little. “It’s been a rough day.”

Bucky ate a fry, slowly and deliberately. “We went for a run, right? Was that today?”

Steve nodded. “Yeah Buck. That was this morning.”

Bucky frowned, trying to remember. “After that we went to the games room and played shuffleboard.”

Steve’s breathing shallowed and hitched but he nodded.

Bucky watched him, trying to read the emotion behind the shuttered look.

“What happened after that Steve?” His voice was low butdemanding.

Steve looked at him, his cheeks pink. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“You told me once you’d always tell me the truth,” Bucky hedged.

Steve narrowed his eyes then sighed.

“You kissed me and I kissed you back! Okay? It was stupid on my part and I’m sorry!”Steve put down his half eaten burger and left the room.

Bucky mulled the words over. The afternoon had been obliterated from his mind, meaning he’d had a major meltdown. He could remember coming back from the games room but everything after that was just fog.

Kissed. He had kissed Steve? Why? He wished he could remember the feelings that had preceded that. 

There was nothing in his memory that could help. He wasn’t going to push too hard.

Even with his nap, his body still felt exhausted.Probably because he didn’t sleep at night.

Evening sunlight through the window caught his eye and he followed the changing shadows and rays of light. They were strangely relaxing. He had no idea how long he’d sat there but Steve didn’t come back.

He looked at Steve’s half finished plate.His own burger was gone and he was working on the last of his fries. Steve was a good cook.

After a moment he reached over and took several fries off of Steve’s plate. He loved homemade fries.

“Steve,” he called, his mouth full. “Are you done with your dinner?”

“Just leave it. I’ll clean it up,” Steve called from the bedroom.

Bucky eyed the burger.It was so good..... maybe if he just had a bite or two. Steve was done anyway.... They shouldn’t let food go to waste.

He took the burger and bit into it, savouring the flavours. He hadn’t had a good homemade burger in quite awhile.

Before he knew it, the burger was gone. He belched loudly just as Steve came back in.

Steve glanced from his empty plate to Bucky’s distended stomach.

“Aw Bucky,” he groaned. “Really?”

Bucky looked with some confusion at the empty plate. He’d only meant to have a bite.

Steve sighed. “It’s not your fault. Come on to the bathroom.”

Bucky followed him with a confused frown. “Why?”

They got into the bathroom just in time. He fell to his knees as his stomach rejected the extra food and he vomited into the toilet. He was used to throwing up. It happened so often.

The acid burned his throat and he swallowed desperately, trying to keep at least some of his dinner where it was supposed to be.

Steve gently wiped his face with a cloth. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”

Bucky tried to breathe through the next wave of nausea. It finally passed and he hiccuped. He sat back, leaning against the towel cabinet. “Sorry, Steve.”

Steve gave him a small paper cup of water.He smiled a little. “It’s my fault. Not yours.”

Bucky sipped at it, trying to figure out how it was Steve’s fault. His brain was tired. He got distracted by the pictures of dogs on the cup.

Steve had bought the cups to help him remember to rinse after brushing his teeth.

“This dog is jumping. And this one is chasing a ball. Do real dogs chase balls Steve?”

Steve shrugged. “If they’re trained to, I guess. You feel okay now?”

Bucky nodded. “Better anyway.I ate your dinner. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Steve answered. “It just sucks when you get sick after.”

Bucky walked out of the bathroom and went to get his blanket. They usually read a novel together after dinner. It was something they both enjoyed. They were currently reading W. Somerset Maugham’s The Razor’s Edge.

Steve sat on the chair and waited for Bucky to get comfortable. He wiggled into the corner of the couch. His corner. He took the bottle of water Steve had put there for him and breathed out happily. “I’m ready.”

Bucky loved hearing Steve’s lilting voice read. It could almost put him in a dreamlike state.

Steve made the characters come to life.

He leaned back and closed his eyes, rubbing the soft blanket against his cheek. The stubble on his chin caught at the soft fabric a little. He drank his water slowly, listening intently.

The words and phrases washed over him, drawing him into the story of the war veteran who felt he had nothing left to live for, yet was certain there had to be something.

The chapter ended. Steve sat there, absently twisting the book in his hands. Bucky looked at him, his eyes still half closed. “That was a good chapter.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah.” He got up and put the book away. “Time to get changed and put on pajamas. It’s eight o clock.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Fiiiiiiine!” He responded, drawing the word out into at least four syllables.

He wasn’t really tired yet. He sighed and followed Steve to his bedroom. While Steve was getting a dry diaper, Bucky undressed, putting his clothes in the hamper. He lay down on the bed, waiting for Steve. He hadn’t even realized how wet he was. 

When Steve came back, Bucky searched his face, looking at the blue eyes, the strong jaw, high cheekbones. Steve was definitely easy on the eyes. He’d seen Steve every day for four months but he hadn’t ever really looked at him. The fact that they had kissed today had come back to the forefront of his mind. Steve had nice lips. Full, pink, kissable.

Steve moved above him, his actions caring but nothing more. “You’re a pretty wet boy,” he said wiping the pee residue from Bucky’s groin. He changed Bucky’s diaper, making sure he was dry and comfortable.

“Put some pjs on and then come have a glass of milk,” Steve said.

Bucky sat up, watching the muscles inhis broad back and narrow waist move fluidly as he walked. Maybe Steve was wrong. Bucky didn’t know if he wanted him to be sorry for kissing him. In fact, Bucky was starting to feel like he might want to try kissing Steve again, now while his head was clearer. Maybe there were some good memories hiding within that.

He pulled on a T-shirt and a pair of fleece pajama pants and headed to the kitchen.

Steve was finishing pouring two glasses of milk.

Bucky stood there, suddenly feeling a little shy.“I- I don’t want you to be sorry,” He stammered out.

Steve quirked an eyebrow at him.“Bucky, I’m supposed to be helping you get better. Not triggering reactions. What am I not supposed to be sorry for?” He dropped a straw into Bucky’s milk.

Bucky blew gently into the straw and made milk bubbles which he then popped with his finger.

Steve gently took his hand. “Please drink your milk.”

Bucky sipped several times before he felt like he could answer Steve’s question. “For the kissing,” he said softly. “I think I would have liked it.”

Steve eyed him without saying anything for several long seconds. “You used to like it a lot.”

His voice was soft. Different than the ordering voice or the resigned voice when Bucky did something stupid.

Bucky looked at him then.

Steve’s eyes were wet but he was smiling.

He was confused for a moment  why was Steve crying? He could see he was happy. Steve got nostalgic sometimes. 

Bucky finished his milk and got up. He wasn’t altogether sure how to start this at all. “I-um-“ He looked at Steve for help. 

Steve got off his chair and stood next to him, taking his hand. “Relax,” He whispered.

Bucky felt the sweat on the  palm of the hand in his.  Steve was rattled. It almost made him step back. He counted on Steve to stay calm in every situation.Then he looked at Steve’s lips and remembered his earlier sentiments.  The desire warred with the uncertainty. The expectant hopeful look in Steve’s eyes gave him the push he needed. 

Softly, uncertainly, he leaned in and touched Steve’s lips with his own.He pulled back a little, reading the longing in Steve’s face but he didn’t move. This was Bucky’s territory to explore now.

Bucky put his hands on Steve’s waist, feeling the rippling muscles as Steve loosely put his arms around his neck. He grazed those luscious pink lips again.

Steve’s breath was warm on his lips but he didn’t move.

Bucky felt like this was right. He belonged here. His lips met Steve’s again but this time he didn’t pull back after a touch. A memory was surfacing and he didn’t want to stop it this time.

 

_Steve had cooked a beautiful dinner for the two of them to celebrate Bucky’s graduation. The night classes had paid off. He was a certified firearms specialist.They sat on the couch, kissing, hands roaming lazily over each other, relaxed and happy._

Bucky flicked his tongue against Steve’s lips. He felt Steve part them slightly for him.Slowly, he put his tongue in Steve’s mouth, tasting him. Yeah. It was definitely something he liked.

Steve finally pulled away, kissing his nose. “I love your kisses. I’m not sure your therapist would say this is non-stimulating though.” He huffed a small laugh.

Bucky grinned. “Sometimes it’s worth breaking the rules a little.”

Steve nodded, his eyes sparkling. “It’s bedtime.”

Bucky climbed into bed, letting Steve tuck him in and kiss his cheek. “Good night, Bucky. I love you.”

“Good night Steve, I love you too.” Steve smiled and then left.

Bucky heard the lock click shut.Tonight he had a new memory to replay in his mind. The night wouldn’t feel so long. He rolled over and closed his eyes, still feeling Steve’s lips on his.


	8. Conflict of Interest

Steve sat on the couch for he didn’t know how long after tucking Bucky in, rerunning the kiss over and over in his mind. Deep in his basic humanness a need he had buried after Bucky fell had been reignited. The flame burned strongly now. He warred against it. He couldn’t let it break his sense of right and wrong. What he knew Bucky needed. 

He was of two different mindsets.

One, being, if Bucky brought it up in the morning and it triggered another runaway reaction, how was he going to explain that to the therapist?! She was going to be disappointed in him. She’d trusted him to keep Bucky’s best interests at heart.

The other being, that he had felt things he hadn’t felt in seventy some odd years. Earlier today, the kiss had been a reaction to something that was going on in Bucky’s head but this one.....it had been real. Bucky had thought it through and deliberately kissed him. 

He realized he was obsessing about it.He missed his Bucky so much.This evening he’d seen a very brief glimpse of that Bucky. The sexy, crazy, break the rules, willing to try anything once Bucky.

The next thing that his mind filled with was what they would tell the therapist. Bucky’s appointment was tomorrow. 

He had an inkling that adding a relationship to Bucky's already fragile mind would be highly discouraged. He wouldn’t lie about it. He had promised Bucky the day after he came back that he would always tell him the truth. He would. Even if it meant losing Bucky for awhile. That thought made Steve’s gut clench so hard he thought he might puke. 

He knew he had to stop this relationship before it went any further. It just felt impossible. He might be captain America, he could fight enemies for his country without a second thought, but fighting himself, that was no easy task.

He could deny Bucky. Tell him that it was a mistake. Wouldn’t be easy though. Bucky was persistent and in his current state of mind he might not understand and that hurt. It struck him that it would also be a lie. His frustration with the situation made him grab at his short blonde hair and tug. Why?! Why had he given in!?

Maybe Bucky wouldn’t remember. Often, he forgot things that had happened the day before. In a way, Steve was desperately hoping maybe this would be one of those things. It would make life so much easier.

With a sigh, he went to his room, pausing at Bucky’s door until he heard snoring.He stripped and climbed into bed, trying to get himself into a peaceful state so he could sleep.

He had just dozed off when he heard Bucky yell out in terror. A nightmare. He slid into sweats and grabbed the key. The nightmares came often and Steve took it upon himself to see Bucky through them. 

He quickly unlocked Bucky’s door and hurried in.

Bucky was tossing and moaning, his metal arm clanging loudly against the bed frame. The blankets were tangled around him, his T-shirt drenched in sweat. He cried out, trying to free himself.

Steve helped him get the blankets unwrapped from around him.

He suddenly sat up, eyes wild, hair plastered to his sweaty face. He keened softly.

Steve slowly approached, talking in low soothing tones. “Hey buddy. It’s okay. You’re safe. You’re with Steve.”

He gathered Bucky into his arms, sad that he was so rigid with terror. “Shhh. You’re okay.” He held him firmly until Bucky started to relax and then collapse in his arms weakly.

“You want to talk about it?” Steve asked.

Bucky shook his head, pushing his face into Steve’s chest and staying there.

Steve sighed softly. Poor Bucky. 

He stroked Bucky’s hair back and then almost chuckled at the sight of Bucky sucking on his first two fingers. What the hell?! Did he always.....?

The mirth died when he saw the tears tracking down Bucky’s cheeks.He rocked him a little. He knew how bad the nightmares could get. He had his share. 

After quite some time, Bucky finally pulled away from Steve, yawning widely. “Is it getting up time?”

Steve shook his head. “No, babe. It’s only just after eleven. Try and get some more sleep.”

“I can’t!” Bucky protested. “I’m going to have more bad dreams!”

Steve thought for a moment. “Hang on.”

He had found a small portable DVD player the other day while he was cleaning. He was pretty sure it was from when he’d just come out of the ice. A gift from Nick Fury.

Bucky shouldn’t watch a movie but Steve needed some rest, and maybe he’d fall asleep again.

The therapist was gonna have a field day with all this. 

He set up the DVD player on Bucky’s nightstand and put Bolt in. “Just watch. Don’t touch.” He instructed.

Bucky nodded, already laying down again.

Steve tucked him in again then thought of something. “Can I check how wet you are?”

Bucky rolled halfway onto his back and nodded.

Steve leaned forward and gently pressed the padding between his thighs. He was damp but not too wet. Of course he’d only been in bed a few hours. He’d leave him for now. “You’re good.” He tried not to gaze at Bucky’s full lips too long, still puckered around his fingers. His lips were so soft. He sighed slightly and moved towards the door. “Good night, Buck.”

“Night Steve,” he said, already distracted by the movie.

Steve lockedthe door again and went back to his room. His body was completely exhausted from the emotional roller coaster he’d been riding all day. He had to stop analyzing this thing. He was going to make himself crazy. 

He slid under his blanket, and folded his hands under his head. Not a day had gone by that he didn’t wonder what it would be like if it had been him instead of Bucky that had fallen off the train. Would Bucky have taken him in? He knew he would have. Would Bucky have denied himself to make things better for Steve? That was questionable. Bucky was a mischievous rogue most days. 

He heard the soft chatter of Bolt through the intercom and rolled over to try and get comfortable. Sometimes he wished his brain could be turned off or distracted as easily as Bucky’s. He figured it had more to do with Bucky’s short attention span than trauma though. Bucky had always been a go getter. Never sat still. Now the therapist called it ADD. Steve didn’t mind being the glue to Bucky’s puzzle. 

Bucky was never one to think things through much. He was impulsive and sweet. Steve had been caught in his escapades more than once. 

Then again, Steve had always been the more calm and logical one of the two, even back in the forties. He smiled to himself.Things really hadn’t changed that much. 


	9. NightLight

Bucky watched Bolt going through his scenes on the movie.Bolt thought it was real. Poor puppy.

Bucky could relate to the dog in some ways. A lot of what he thought was real, wasn’t. It was just in his head. Especially the stuff that Hydra had put there.

Steve never expected any of that stuff from him. Sometimes he thought Steve did and that’s when he had meltdowns.

He chewed gently on his fingers. The nightmare that awakened him still lurked in the shadows.

The dream had been one he’d had before. It was a heart pounding, adrenaline pumping rush of running away from three Hydra agents who were trying to shoot him down. He had forgotten his tac vest.  He would dart from street to street but they always found him and the laser guides would land on his heart, over the thin T-shirt he was wearing, the awful red dot of death finding him and then the shot being fired until he woke in a cold sweat a moment before the bullet struck  

Even now, thinking about it made him shiver. It felt so real sometimes. He knew Steve would protect him but it was still scary.

Bucky lost himself in the movie, giggling when the scrawny black cat tried to outfox Bolt. The dog didn’t know how to act in the real world, just like Bucky. 

He yawned. He didn’t want to go back to sleep though. He was afraid to.

His eyes drifted shut, but he forced them open again. Bolt was in the fire. He would be saved by his super bark which was just a bark in a vent......His eyelids felt unbearably heavy. He would just close his eyes for a minute. He couldn’t miss the end  it was his favourite part. 

He opened them again what he thought was a few minutes later but the screen was dark. The movie was done. He’d missed his favourite part! 

“Steve, I missed where Bolt comes home,” he said, emotion making his voice quiver. He shouldn’t be this worked up over a movie but he had to see Bolt come home. He had to.

“Steve!” His eyes started to water. He wondered if the bodiless Friday could help.

“Fri...day?” He said hesitantly.

“Yes sergeant Barnes?”

He looked around, wondering where to address his question to. “Can you help me watch where Bolt comes home? I missed it. I guess I fell asleep.” Steve’s friend tony said the voice could do lots of things when it came to technology. 

A screen popped up out of thin air and Bucky jerked back in surprise but the movie appeared exactly where he’d left off and played for him. Huh. This Friday voice could do cool things!

“Thank you,” he said, when it was done.

“You’re welcome,” Friday answered. “It is still early morning. Captain Rogers is asleep.”

Bucky nodded and lay back. He wished he had a dog like Bolt. He liked dogs a lot. He’d like any dog actually. 

After a few minutes he got up. He probably wouldn’t sleep again. 

It didn’t matter what the time was. He wasn’t getting out of here until Steve unlocked the door.

He looked around for something to do. He didn’t want to read. His brain was too wound up right now.

He paused mid step, remembering Steve telling him he would be over stimulated. He couldn’t remember off hand what they’d done that would have caused him to be too wound up to relax.

Had they talked about something before bed? They must have.Damn his short memory!! He would give a lot to be able to remember things like Steve did.

He scratched at the scarring on his left shoulder. It was uncomfortable.Steve usually put lotion or something on it after a shower. Maybe he had. He couldn’t remember. The days ran together between meltdowns.

He ripped off his T-shirt and scrubbed at the scars with his blunt nails. It relieved the itch somewhat. 

He stopped moving when a patch of silvering moonlight fell across the floor close to his feet.

He sat on his haunches and poked at the sliver curiously, chortling when the light fell across his fingers. He sat down, cross legged and made shadows with his fingers in the light.

“Steve there’s a light in my room,” he said.

Light was something that made him feel happy. He wasn’t sure why. It had something to do with being rewarded.... He sat very still for a moment.

 

_After the mission,the handler had cleaned him without punishing him and then put him in the room to rest. Before turning out the bright fluorescent bulb, he turned on a rotating orange and pink light that made moving spots on the wall and ceiling. The soldier had done well and this was his reward. He loved the lights._

 

Bucky got to his feet and wandered to the door, pulling on the latch as he did every night. Of course, it was locked. 

“Steve,” he said softly, “Are you awake?” 

When there was no answer he figured Steve was still sleeping.

Padding around the perimeter of the room, skirting the furniture he counted his steps. One two three four five....twenty, twenty one twenty one .....twenty one.... He stopped walking.

What was twenty one? Why was twenty one sounding so strange? No not twenty one.  One. One. Rusted. Longing..... Oh god...NO!!! He shook his head in a panic! Not those words!!

“Steve!” He shouted in a panic. “Help! Steve!”

He heard Steve running and a key in the lock.

A moment later, Steve burst in, looking fearfully for the source of Bucky’s terror.

“The words! The words!” Bucky repeated, trying to make himself clear.

Steve opened his arms. “C’mere.”

Bucky rushed into the hug, holding on tight. Steve would know what to do! He was so afraid to think! He was trying to blank his mind out. The panic was doing a pretty good job.

“The soldier words,” he gasped. “I thought of them! Why are they in my head??”

Steve frowned. “The soldier...words?”

Bucky tried to calm his breathing. He had to calm down. Had to. Calm. Freight Car.

He screamed, tearing at his hair and hitting his face. “NO MORE WORDS!!”

Steve grabbed him tightly and held him, whispering soft soothing words into his ear.

Bucky finally got a grip on his panic and was able to breathe again.

After some long tense minutes of self reflection, he realized he was still himself. The words hadn’t triggered the soldier to go into combat status.

Steve loosened his grip. “You okay?”

“I remembered the words hydra used. To trigger the soldier,” he sobbed softly. 

Steve looked upset. “I’m sorry Buck. That’s terrible. You thought thinking them would trigger....him?”

Bucky nodded. He didn’t know for sure if it ever would but he didn’t intend to find out!! “I don’t wanna be the Soldier.”

“I know,” Steve soothed. “I think you need a change.” He gently prodded Bucky’s wet diaper. 

Bucky gladly picked up on the subject switch. “Yeah.”

Steve changed him and then put him back to bed. “It’s 3:30 bud. Try and rest a bit more.”He kissed Bucky’s forehead and then left the room.

Bucky touched his forehead where Steve had kissed him.

Last night, after dinner.... something had happened. He was sure it was more than a kiss on the forehead.

It must have been. Because suddenly, the feeling of Steve’s lips on his forehead had made him very excited.

He gently touched the hardness in his diaper. What exactly had they been up to yesterday? He’d have to ask Steve.

 

 

 

 


	10. Thought Patterns

Steve woke up later than usual. It was after seven thirty. “Fudge!” He murmured, sliding into jeans and a T-shirt. He hurried out of his room after grabbing a dry diaper. Bucky was gonna be pissed at him! He unlocked Bucky’s door and opened it.

Bucky was standing there, arms crossed and a scowl on his face. “About fuckin’ time!” 

Steve saw how soggy he was. His diaper was pulling his pajama pants down.

“I’m sorry Buck! I guess I was more tired than I thought.” He motioned to the bed. “Let’s get you changed.”

Bucky lay quiet while Steve wiped him clean. “Friday voice told me it’s seven-thirty. I didn’t know why you were still sleeping.”

”Not sure, bud,” Steve said, patting his hip.

Bucky lifted his bottom so Steve could exchange the wet diaper for the dry one. His rash had cleared up.

“Steve.”

The hesitance in Bucky’s voice made Steve Look at him. “Yeah?”

”Last night I felt like something might’ve happened between us. Something good.”

Steve’s cheeks flushed slightly. “Uh...noth...nothing....really.”

Bucky looked confused. “Oh. Okay. I’m hungry!”

“I’ll make breakfast right away,” Steve promised, taping the diaper snugly. “Get some clothes on. I gotta go to the bathroom.” He was relieved that Bucky hadn’t persisted that line of questioning. He had forgotten, just as Steve had hoped. 

He hurriedly relieved himself and washed his hands. He had to put the kiss out of his mind. Bucky seemed dissociated this morning. Much as he hated himself for thinking it, the kiss could be swept under the rug for now.

Breakfast was the next issue. They had therapy at ten. Maybe oatmeal this morning. It was quick. Bucky hadn’t had oatmeal yet, but it was easy to eat. 

Steve was already cooking the oatmeal when Bucky walked in, dressed in blue jeans and a T-shirt.

“What are you making?” He asked.

“Oatmeal.” He got two bowls down. “You might remember it once you taste it.”

“Why didn’t you make eggs? I like eggs.” Bucky looked at the bubbling pot suspiciously.

“Change is good,” Steve said. He felt like it was his mantra some days. Trying to get Bucky to eat new foods was hard. 

“You always say that,” Bucky groused. He sat at his spot and rubbed his eyes.

Steve sighed. He already looked tired. Therapy would wear him out.

He scooped oatmeal into both bowls, added cinnamon, brown sugar and milk, and set them on the table.

Bucky looked at it for a long moment then poked at the oatmeal with his spoon. “I don’t know if I’ll like it, Steve.”

“Try it,” Steve said, eating his own. “It’s good for you.”

Bucky slowly lifted a spoonful to his mouth andput the oatmeal in. He made such a face that Steve laughed.

“It’s not that bad!”

Apparently to Bucky it was. He gagged, tried to swallow and gagged again. His eyes teared up and he looked balefully at Steve. He looked like he was going to vomit. 

Shaking his head, Steve grabbed a napkin. “Here. Spit it out.”

Bucky got rid of the offending mouthful. “I DON’T like oatmeal!” He blustered. 

“I’ll get you some toast,” Steve said, putting bread in the toaster. “You want butter and jam?”

Bucky pushed the bowl an arms length away. “Yes.”

“Where’s your polite word?” Steve reminded.

“Please,” Bucky tacked on.

“Can I cut you up an apple?”

Bucky nodded.

Steve cut an apple and cored it, put some cantaloupe in the second space and put Bucky’s toast in the last spot, cut into quarters. He poured him a glass of milk, stuck a straw into it then sat down to enjoy his oatmeal.

“I had a light in my room,” Bucky said suddenly, tracing a finger over the circle of light from the bulb above their table.

Steve paused, his spoon halfway to his mouth. “Yeah?” Friday was supposed to disable the light switch between eight thirty and six. He’d have to talk to Tony.

“It was on the floor.”

Steve frowned. “What kind of light?”

“A happy one,” Bucky answered, biting into his second piece of toast. “You kissed my head last night.”

Steve gave him a napkin. “You have jam on your cheek.” He ignored Bucky’s statement and the sudden desire to kiss the spot. He cut the train of thought off harshly.  “A happy light. Well. I’m glad it was happy.” He smiled. “You can tell Olivia about it too.”

Bucky seemed distracted. “Olivia?”

“We have therapy at ten, Buck.” Steve looked at him. “Look at me buddy.” He wanted Bucky to forget about the kiss. 

Bucky finally met his gaze. “Huh?”

“Therapy at ten.” He put a hand over Bucky’s on the table. Bucky seemed very dissociated this morning.He wasn’t catching what Steve was saying at all.

Steve took the dishes and put them in the dishwasher and started it. 

Leaving Bucky at the table, Steve packed a diaper bag with a clean diaper, wipes, a fuzzy blanket, a bottle of water, and the book Bucky was reading.

It was almost nine. It always took about half an hour to get through the city and then to park and if Bucky was distracted, getting to the office took longer.

“Ok Bucky,” he called. “Let’s go.”

“Steve,” Bucky said quietly from behind him.

Steve jumped and laughed sharply. “I thought you were still in the kitchen.”

“What happened last night, before bed?”

Steve stopped putting on his shoes. His stomach clenched. “Can we talk about it later?”

Bucky frowned. “Why?”

“We have to get going.” Steve was stalling. He didn’t even know where to start with this conversation.

Bucky put his boots on. “Can you tie, please?”

Steve sat on the bench beside the door and patted his knee. Bucky put his boot on his lap to have it tied. Some days he could tie his own shoes. Some days he couldn’t. Today was a can’t day apparently.

They left the apartment and took Steve’s car to the doctor’s office.

Bucky watched the sunlight moving across the dashboard and reached for the light. “I like lights.”

Steve observed him silently. He wasn’t often like this but Steve had seen it on occasion. He saw the wonder on Bucky’s face as the light filtered around his fingers. It made him think of the happy light.

They pulled into the parking lot and Steve parked as close as he could which was still a fair ways away. “C’mon Bucky.”

Bucky got out of the car and started off towards the street, instead of the building.

Steve caught up to him. “Wrong way, buddy,” he said, taking his hand. “This way.”

They were halfway across the parking lot when Bucky stopped and looked up as a plane flew overhead. “Look Steve. An airplane.”

Steve waited until it was gone. “Yep. We gotta get inside. Olivia is waiting.”

Bucky plodded along behind him, stopping again when sunlight glinted off a chrome bumper. He stared at it, moving his metal fingers in front of his face to see the light refract. He grinned.

Steve smiled and tugged him forward. “Come babe. We don’t want to be late.”

In the office, they sat in the plush chairs and waited. Bucky fidgeted.

“Do you need to use the bathroom?” Steve asked. Bucky hadn’t gone this morning due to him sleeping in.

Bucky nodded. “I need to go.”

Steve told the secretary and took Bucky to the washroom.

It was a large handicapped bathroom which suited Steve fine. If he ever needed to change Bucky there was plenty of room. He pushed Bucky’s diaper down around his ankles and then leaned against the wall, waiting for Bucky to do his business. 

Bucky sat looking around the bathroom. “Steve, should I tell Olivia about the light?” He asked.

Steve nodded. “You can.”

Bucky looked at the fluorescent bulb. “That one is too big. I don’t like that light.” He paused. “Why did you kiss my head last night?”

”Because I was tucking you in,” Steve answered. 

Bucky considered that. “It made me feel good. Can you kiss me again?”

“How about you finish pooping so we can go back to the waiting room.” Steve brought him back to the job at hand.

Bucky fell silent, grunting softly. A minute later, he pulled his shirt up. “I’m all done.”

Steve cleaned him then pulled up his diaper, adjusting the diaper so it was snug. “What do we need to remember to do?”

Bucky thought for a moment. “Please?”

Steve stifled a sigh. “Flush the toilet and wash your hands.”

Bucky finished buttoning his jeans and flushed, wincing at the noise of the commercial toilet. He washed his hands then followed Steve back to the waiting room.

Olivia was waiting for them. “Come on back, guys.”

Stevetook Bucky’s hand. “Ready?”

“I’m ready.” He looked at his therapist. “Steve kissed me.”

Olivia glanced questioningly at Steve.

Steve felt his face and neck turn a deep mottled red. “I...I guess we have a lot to talk about today.”

Olivia nodded. “Let’s get started.”


	11. A Good Boy

Bucky sat down in one padded chair and Steve sat in the other. Olivia sat inher desk chair with her back to the large desk,facing Bucky.

“Do you want to tell me in your own words what has been going on this last week?”

“The whole week?” Bucky asked hesitantly. 

Olivia smiled. “The stuff you remember.”

Bucky thought hard for a few minutes. “Steve made me try oatmeal.”

“When was that?” Olivia asked.

Bucky looked at Steve for confirmation. “Today?”

Steve nodded.

“Today,” Bucky answered confidently. “But I didn’t like it. I couldn’t swallow it.”

Olivia tapped her pencil to her lip. “But you tried it?”

“I put it in my mouth.” He yawned. “I tried it. I was a good boy.”

”Yes you were,” Steve said. 

Olivia was watching him carefully. “You are good, James. Now let’s talk about what you told me in the waiting room. You told me Steve kissed you.”

Bucky took a minute to think about Steve. This was a topic of great interest to him. He was still wondering about what he had felt his body do last night. It had felt good but a little confusing. He hadn’t known what to do about it. 

He looked at Olivia. “He kissed me right here!” He pointed to his forehead. “And it made me feel good.” 

Olivia wrote it down. “It made you feel good? How?”

Bucky chewed his lower lip, feeling suddenly self conscious. How was he going to tell Olivia about what Steve’s kiss had made him feel? He wasn’t sure he wanted to share that.

He dared to look at Steve but Steve was looking steadily at his phone, his cheeks pink, like he was embarrassed.

Bucky looked down at his lap. “It just it made me feel good....good.” He waved his hand a little. “Kind of nice....in places.” 

Olivia gave him a long look. “It aroused you? It’s okay to say that here. This is a safe place.”

Steve’s head shot up and he looked at Bucky with huge eyes.

Bucky felt an embarrassed blush creep over his face. Not just because Steve was looking at him like that, but because he couldn’t remember what aroused meant!

Obviously it meant something in the not so comfortable to talk about department judging from Steve’s face.

They were both looking at him now. “I-I don’t know!” He stammered. “I don’t want to talk about it!”

Steve stepped in, taking the heat off Bucky. “Truthfully, Olivia, I kissed him more than once. The other night, he asked me to because he thought he remembered us being together, and I let him kiss me. I know it’s probably not good for him.” He paused, looking at the therapist.

Olivia didn’t say anything immediately. “I don’t know if it’s an opportune time for James to explore a relationship, but I won’t stop it. You’re both adults. Just be careful. You know how fragile his psyche is.”

Steve nodded. “I’ve been second guessing myself ever since.”

“Wait!” Bucky demanded, finally catching up with the conversation. “We _KISSED_!? Like real kissed??!”

Steve gave him a small smile. “Yeah Buck. You just forgot.”

Bucky was trying to process it when he spotted the lava lamp on a shelf in the corner of the room.

“Oooh...” he said softly, wandering over to it, hand outstretched. He forgot about Steve and kissing and Olivia. Lights! He was a good boy. There were lights for him. 

“Don’t touch,” Steve said firmly.

Bucky dropped his hand but stared at the lazily rising blobs of illuminated matter. It made shadows on the wall. He giggled. That was so cool!

He examined it, wondering how it worked. Again he remembered the kind agent who had let him watch the lights. He stuck his finger in his mouth and watched the neon pink blobs until he heard Steve say “Bucky!”

He turned back and went to his chair. “Steve,” he said around his finger. “Look at the lights.”

Steve nodded. “I know. Take your finger out of your mouth. Olivia’s trying to talk to you.”

Bucky tried but the entrancing light was too much. Steve pulled his hand away from his mouth.

“Try to listen to Olivia.”

Bucky turned to her slightly. 

Olivia got up and turned it off. “James-“

“ON!” He yelled immediately, his calm mood gone. “I want the lights!!” He charged up, intending to rush at her but Steve grabbed his arms from behind and pulled him against his own firm body.

He screamed and tried to kick Steve.He wanted the lights on! Just like when Hydra rewarded him! “ON!!!”

Steve hung onto him, wrestling him into his strong grip. He was trying to get Bucky arms held down but Bucky flailed, writhing and twisting to get away. He screamed again. 

Bucky threw his head back, connecting with Steve’s collarbone. He heard Steve grunt in pain.

“Turn them ON!” His voice was high with emotion. “I’m being good!”

A moment later, two security guards and his occupational therapist, Candy, came in.

Steve had him firmly now even though he was still fighting him for all he was worth. He managed to hit Steve partially with his metal arm but not enough to be effective.

“I’m good boy!” He cried again, tears coming to his eyes. “I want lights!”

Candy put a heavy weighted blanket on him and he felt the fight slowly leave him. Between the pressure from Steve and the blanket, exhaustion swept over him.

Steve reached into his bag and got his fuzzy blanket.

Bucky breathed in and out with the therapist.

She helped him count five deep breaths five times. He held his blanket to his cheek. He was feeling less upset now. “Lights?”

Olivia looked at him and shook her head. “Not yet, James.” She explained to Candy what had happened.

Bucky looked from one to the other. “I really hate when you talk about me like I can’t hear you.”

“I know,” Olivia said. “This is our way to help you. We need to communicate.”

She motioned Candy to a chair.

“You didn’t like when I turned off the lava lamp, James. Why? And why did you say you were good to make us turn it on?”

“The lights make me feel happy.” He mumbled and looked again at the darkened lamp. “Turn it on?”

Olivia held up a finger. “Answer the question.”

Bucky settled back on Steve’s lap, growling his displeasure. Hedidn’t want to talk about Hydra.

“You like lights?” Candy asked, producing a small flashing ball from her pocket.

Bucky looked at it for a moment and then shook his head. “Not like that. I like the...” he searched for the right word, “the slow glowy lights.”

Candy thought for a moment. “I’ll be right back. Talk to Olivia for five more minutes while I run to my office.”

“Who told you that you could watch lights if you were good, James?” Olivia pressed gently.

Bucky stared at his knees, trying not to feel sad that he didn’t know the agent’s name.

“He would let me have lights in my cell when I completed a mission without any problems. I don’t know his name. He was Agent 342.”

Olivia pursed her lips and nodded. “James, I didn’t turn the lamp off because you weren’t good. I turned it off because you weren’t able to focus with it on.”

Bucky looked at her, but shrugged.He had to be a good boy.

When Candy reappeared she had a bag with her.

“I have something for you to use at home.” She withdrew a clear plastic ball that had a mechanism of some sort in it. “You can turn it on when you feel upset or stressed.”

She demonstrated by flipping the switch and immediately a classical tune played softly and green, blue, purple and orange lights played on the white wall in time to the music.

Bucky sat up happily. “Lights!”

Candy gave him the ball.“Hold it in your hand.” 

Bucky grinned like a kid at a birthday party.

Olivia gave Steve a card. “Not the most productive session ever but maybe next week we can do better.”

“What can I do about the meltdowns?” Steve asked. “We had a pretty bad one the other day too.”

Olivia nodded. “It’s part of the healing I’m afraid. Keeping him safe while he’s having them is about the best I can offer. It means his brain is sending signals his emotions can’t process. That’s why he freaks out.”

Steve gave a short laugh. “That’s putting it mildly! If he’d sleep at night it would help too.”

“I sleep,” Bucky interjected. “I just wake up too early.”

“You only sleep about three hours a night,” Steve countered.

Olivia nodded. “He will eventually start to sleep. Give it time.”

Steve got up. “Get your lights, Buck. Time to go home.”

Bucky followed Steve, staring at the plastic ball, letting the lights dance on his metal fingers.

Steve took his elbow to keep him moving. He relaxed into Steve’s grip and let himself fall into the mesmerizing circle of lights. He was a good boy!


	12. Pictures in my Memory

Steve was glad to get home. He put Bucky on the couch with his fuzzy blanket. “Stay.” He ordered firmly. “I have to go to the bathroom.”

Bucky nodded vaguely, still watching his ball.

Steve figured he’d be okay. He hurried to the bathroom and stripped his shirt off, gently touching the darkening bruise on his collar bone. Bucky had gotten him good! It would heal.

He peed into the toilet and washed his hands then went back out to where he’d left Bucky.

He sighed softly and smiled. The ball was on the floor, still playing and making its lights dance on the walls and ceiling. Bucky was asleep on the couch, one finger still in his slack mouth.

He was tired because he’d been up most of the night and therapy always wore him out too. Steve didn’t mind having a few hours of peace and quiet. He turned off the lights and sat in the armchair. He was wondering what he could do to help Bucky. Olivia’s words hadn’t left his mind yet. 

He read for a bit, then had a sudden idea and got his sketch pad out. Olivia and Candy both had said Bucky could benefit from visual reminders. Steve had drawn many pictures for him that hung all around the apartment. Pictures reminding him to wash his hands, use the toilet, put his dishes in the sink, drink water and many more. Why not this? His breath hitched a little. Bucky asleep was beautiful. He was such a good looking guy and Steve wanted him so much. Olivia had given them the green light!

Steve wanted to help Bucky remember what it had been like before.

An idea slowly blossomed in his head and he started to draw. He’d drawn Bucky so many times the lines came quickly and easily  

Bucky slept for three hours and Steve drew, losing track of time. His body responded to his drawing even though he tried to still his thoughts. Would Bucky understand the drawings? He hoped so. 

Bucky sat up, looking at him sleepily. “Steve?”

“Yeah Buck?” Steve said looking up.

“I’m wet.”

Steve nodded. “Go lay down on your bed.” He hadn’t changed Bucky since seven thirty! Not surprising that he was soaked!

Steve got up and headed to his room to grab a dry diaper. He went into Bucky’s room. Bucky was laying across the bed, arms above his head,his taut abs tantalizingly exposed. Steve wanted to kiss those firm muscles so badly but instead he grabbed several wipes from the box and warmed them between his hands.

Bucky yawned and stretched.

Unable to contain the intense desire to touch Bucky any longer, Steve tickled his bare belly for a second and got a giggle in response.

“You soaked through your jeans too. You might as well put on sweats or pajama pants. We’re not going out again.” He stripped off the wet denim and then gingerly removed the soaked diaper. “I shoulda changed you when we got home. I’m sorry.” He wiped Bucky down carefully and diapered him.

Bucky shrugged. “It’s okay.”

Once he was dry, Steve patted his cute padded bottom and went to wash. A deep growl from his stomach made him realize it was well past lunch. He’d been so ensconced in his drawing he’d forgotten to eat. Bucky would be hungry as well.

Steve went into the kitchen and made some sandwiches. Roast beef with mayo and mustard for him, and peanut butter and jelly for Bucky. Not exactly filling and overly healthy but he’d started a casserole earlier in the crock pot for dinner so this just had to tide them over. He put two slices of cucumber, a few carrots, a plain slice of roast beef and a cored and cut apple on Bucky’s plate beside the sandwich.

“Buck, you hungry?” He called, wondering why itwas taking so long to get sweats on.

There was no answer and he felt a niggle of panic. “Bucky?”

He hurried towards Bucky’s room. Had Bucky gotten out somehow?

Bucky was huddled in the corner of his room, sobbing and clutching a pair of sweats to his chest.

Steve sighed in relief then went to him. “Bucky, baby. What’s wrong?” He tenderly brushed the dark strands off of Bucky’s tear drenched cheeks.

Bucky looked up at him with wide eyes, full of terror. “I’m sorry.” He whispered, repeating the phrase several times.

Steve knew something had happened to make Bucky think he’d be punished. “Shh,” he soothed. “You’re not getting punished. What happened?”

Bucky wailed again, clutching the grey fabric to his chest tightly. 

Steve tried to take the sweats but Bucky tried to bite his hand.

“Okay. Okay.” He thought a moment. The ball! He hurried to the living room and found it. He hoped it would work to calm Bucky down.

When he got to Bucky’s room he turned it on and slowly walked to the form huddled on the floor. “Bucky. Look. Lights.”

At the sound of the music, his sobs turned to muffled cries and then to little mewling sounds.

He slowly looked up at Steve and then at the ball. “Turn it off. Bucky is bad.”

“No. Bucky is good. Tell Steve what happened. He put the ball on the floor.

Bucky started to relax a little more. He slowly reached towards the lights, still hiccuping slightly from his sobbing. He dropped the sweats and picked up the ball.

Steve took the pants and put them out of sight. He would look at them later. “Come have something to eat.”

Bucky followed him, heaving a long shaky sigh and holding his ball tightly. “Lights.”

“You’re a good boy,” Steve said again. He worked hard at praising Bucky often. 

They sat down at the table and Bucky reached for an apple slice, putting his ball beside his plate.

Steve poured him some milk and put a straw in it then set a bottle of water beside it. “Eat everything on your plate and you can have ice cream.”

Bucky loved ice cream especially ice cream sandwiches which Steve kept on hand. They were great motivators to get Bucky to eat.

Bucky chewed on his apple and watched his ball, wiggling his metal fingers over top so they reflected the light and sent it scattering in different directions.

Steve ate his sandwich in silence. He was glad the lights had a calming effect on Bucky.

The apple and sandwich were gone and he had almost finished his carrots when he noticed the cucumber. “Steve!” He pointed at it. “I don’t like that.”

“Can you try a bite?” Steve asked.

He poked at the meat. “What’s this?”

“Roast beef,” Steve answered. Bucky had certain tastes that were okay and others he just didn’t like.

He licked the slice of meat experimentally, then took a small bite.

Steve smiled. One more thing on the list of ‘will eat’.

The roast beef disappeared and Bucky picked up the cucumber slice with a slightly disgruntled look. “One bite?”

Steve nodded. “One bite. Then you can have ice cream.”

Bucky skimmed his teeth barely over the darker green skin and shuddered. “Good?”

Steve laughed. “Bucky Barnes! That’s not a bite!” He picked up the other slice and bit into it. “That’s a bite.”

“No!” Bucky whined.

Steve picked up the cucumber slice. “One bite,” He cajoled.

Bucky opened his mouth slightly.

Steve slid the cucumber in part way. “Bite.”

Bucky bit the vegetable and scrunched up his face.

Steve laughed and kissed his nose. “Try chewing it, honey.”

Bucky chewed slowly shaking his head the whole time. He did swallow it though.

“Good boy!” Steve praised, getting an ice cream sandwich from the fridge freezer and unwrapping it. “Here you go.”

Bucky bit into it, grinning. “Thank you Steve.”

Steve nodded, feeling euphoric. Bucky remembered to be polite without being reminded. “You’re welcome.”

Bucky suddenly looked down at his bare legs. “I forgot to put pants on.” He gave Steve a confused look.

Steve got up. “Eat your treat. I’ll go get you some.”

He returned a moment later with the dark blue sweats and crouched down so Bucky could put his feet into the pant legs.

“Can we watch Bolt?” Bucky asked, licking his fingers and swiping a hand across the last chocolate in the corner of his mouth. 

Steve grabbed a wet washcloth. “Wipe your face. Yes we can. It’s in your room. Why don’t you go get it. We’ll put it on in here.”

Bucky hurried to his room, excited to watch his favourite movie again.

Steve grabbed his sketch book. He’d almost finished the series of sketches for Bucky. He was really nervous but excited to show them to Bucky. 

Bucky brought him the movie and Steve turned it on. He pretty much knew the entire thing by heart, they’d watched it so often. Bucky was glued to the screen like it was the first time.

Steve started drawing again, feeling his own emotional and physical response to the pictures. Maybe, just maybe this would help Bucky. He would have to stay relatively calm when they looked at the pictures together. Nobody could say he wasn’t a good artist. 

“What are you drawing?” Bucky asked curiously, leaning towards him. 

The movie was over. Steve bit his lower lip. “It’s for you Buck. It’s a story.”

“Can you read it to me?” Bucky asked. He loved stories. Steve told good stories. 

Steve blushed. “Sure buddy. But after dinner. Okay?”

Bucky frowned. “It’s not a now story?”

Steve blushed to the roots of his hair. He wanted it to be a now story. Bucky was looking at him like he wanted to put his hands on Steve. Or sit on his lap. Those gorgeous muscular hands. He glanced at Bucky’s ass. Oh but he was turned on good now! He could tell from the therapy session that Bucky hadn’t really known how to respond to sexual stimulus. He hadn’t even realized his kiss had turned Bucky on and that was the last straw. His strong patience came to an end and his desire broke through.

“Yeah Buck. It can be a now story. Sure. Let’s go lay down in my bed and read it together.”


	13. An Open Door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains sexual content.

Bucky followed Steve to the bedroom. He liked when Steve read to him.

Steve held his sketch book closed and patted the bed. “Come here.”

Bucky shrugged. “Okay.” He crawled into Steve’s bed and propped his head up on one elbow.

Steve climbed in beside him, and looked at him for a long time before saying anything. “Buck, this is a story about us.”

Bucky wondered why Steve looked so nervous, just like he had at therapy. That was when they talked about the kissing thing.

“Is this story about us kissing?” Bucky asked, a mischievous grin tugging at his mouth. “I’d like that.” 

“You would?”Steve asked slowly, his eyes lighting up.

Bucky nodded again. “Please read me the story.”

“It’s...kind of...an acting out story,” Steve said, his breath coming in little puffs.

Bucky looked at him with concern. “Are you okay? Are you having trouble breathing? I can call that Friday voice,” he started to sit up.

“No!” Steve exclaimed and then said more quietly. “No. I’m fine. Really. Just ........excited.”

Bucky still wasn’t convinced because Steve’s face was really pink now but he’d give him the benefit of the doubt. This story really had Steve in a tizzy. It must be good! “How do we act it out?” Bucky asked.

“It’s like......it’s, they’re pictures...” Steve was stumbling all over his words and Bucky was starting to wonder just what kind of story could get Steve this worked up! 

“Just.....show me,” Bucky said, scooting closer to Steve and laying down on his back.

Steve lay down on his side and slowly opened the book.

“Steve and Bucky liked each other a lot back in 1945.”

The picture was of them holding hands and sharing a lips kiss. Steve was a lot smaller in the picture.

Bucky looked at Steve. “We kissed then too?”

Steve nodded, his eyes warm and soft.

Bucky felt some excitement curling in his belly.He met Steve’s look, feeling a nudge to kiss him like in the picture. Steve had said to act it out. He leaned up and brushed his lips against Steve’s.

Steve rubbed his thumb against Bucky’s cheek and met his lips again, soft, inviting.

Bucky felt something else inside himself. His body felt good. Happy. He pulled Steve in for one last kiss. “Can we read the next page?”

Steve nodded, still looking at him, then turning the page.

“In fact, Steve and Bucky loved each other.They wanted to be with each other a lot.”

Bucky stared at the picture, taking in the meaning. Bucky was holding Steve close, one hand on his ass, one on his back. They were naked except for their underwear.

Bucky stared at the picture. “I like that drawing,” he said shyly.

”Me too,” Steve whispered. 

Bucky subconsciously rubbed the front of his diaper. He wondered why the picture made him feel like this. “It makes me feel kind of squirmy in my stomach.”

Steve gently rubbed his stomach. “That’s good.”

Bucky looked at him. It was good?

The facing page had them laying in a bed face to face, snuggling, with Bucky’s hand on Steve’s crotch.

Bucky jerked back a little, feeling a surge of pressure in his pelvis.

Steve was watching him carefully.“Bucky, you okay?”

Bucky turned to him. “What.....what are we....doing in that picture. I....I don’t remember.”

Steve gently rubbed his chest. “Relax. I’ll help you remember. We really liked touching each other all over our bodies.” 

“And that was good?” Bucky asked hesitantly. 

“It felt good. Yeah.” Steve’s voice was very quiet. He didn’t move his hand from Bucky’s chest.

“Next page?” Bucky asked hesitantly.

Steve turned the page and Bucky took a long time to stare at the full two page spread. He and Steve were locked at the lips in a deep kiss. 

Steve’s drawing talents were amazing. His eyes travelled down their naked bodies, his eyes resting on their dicks, nestled together, both stiff. That’s how his had been the other day and he didn’t know why! 

Steve’s hand was on the inside of his thigh, and Bucky’s hand was around Steve’s dick. 

“Bucky and Steve liked to spend time together being intimate,” Steve read.

A memory pushed vaguely at Bucky’s mind but he pushed it away. He wanted to read the story. It was making him feel really good.

“That was fun?” He questioned. 

Steve nodded. “Oh yeah.” He turned the next page. 

Bucky wiggled a little at the feelings the next picture gave him. 

Both of their faces were etched with pure pleasure, backs arched, long fingers wrapped around each other’s asses and cocks spurting. 

“Steve and Bucky liked to cum together.”

Bucky looked at the picture. “Is that what is happening there?” 

Steve nodded. “Yep. Do you remember ever doing this when you were at Hydra? You must’ve at some point in the last seventy years.....” he trailed off. 

Bucky wasn’t so sure. He must have blocked out those memories because Hydra had put very different ones in its place. They weren’t pleasant like the picture at all. He pushed hard against remembering. “Can we try some of the story pictures?” 

Steve put the book aside. “We can. I don’t know if you’re ready. Are you?”

“But....” Bucky thought hard, “You don’t hurt me.”

“No I don’t.” Steve said. “Why would you even think that?”

Bucky had associated touching his private parts with pain for a long time at Hydra. That was all they ever gave him. He shook his head. 

“So.....how do I know if I want to be touched?” He felt so stupid asking but this was foreign territory and his mind was bubbling with questions now.

He needed to focus on Steve. “Do I just....Do I-“

_Darkness was closing in and all he could hear was the noise of clanging cell doors, screaming, and pain. So. Much. Pain. He cried. Screamed out his anguish as the handler assaulted him. He wanted to go back into the darkness. Needed the darkness._

“Bucky?” Steve’s voice was full of concern. “Are you okay? I think I lost you there for a minute.”

Bucky looked at him. Damn repressed memories couldn’t let him have one moment of pleasure without ruining it!! “I just need a minute.” He pushed the memories way down. No. Not now! 

Steve looked at him. “Did you remember something?”

Bucky sighed and nodded. “Yeah. Remembered what a bunch of dirty bastards Hydra was.”

Steve took a long moment to answer and then said, “We will pick this up another day.”

Bucky started to nod, angry at Hydra for ruining his life. The memory he was sure was just a small bit and he wasn’t going to poke it. Not right now. He felt some control return. 

He glanced at the sketchbook. “No. No Steve. I’m not letting Hydra take you from me. I want to at least find out what we felt for each other!” 

Steve was hesitant. “Okay. If you want to.”

”How do we start?” Bucky asked. “You’re gonna have to walk your fucked up, broken soldier through this Steve.”

”I’d love to,” Steve whispered. “And you’re not fucked up or broken. You’re mine. And you’re perfect.”

Bucky uttered a short laugh. “Yeah, sure.”

Steve stripped his jeans and underwear off and Bucky looked unabashed at him, gazing at  Steve’s cock. 

Steve jiggled his hips a little making his balls move. Bucky smiled. 

Steve got back on the bed and brushed his lips past Bucky’s ear. “Hi hot stuff.”

Bucky felt his warm breath on his ear. Damn Hydra, damn their stupid control. He was going to do this!

He turned and crushed his lips against Steve’s, suddenly hungry to discover what the story was talking about. 

Steve gripped his shoulders and kissed him back, his breathing becoming heavier.

Bucky pulled back a little, noting Steve’s darkened eyes and heightened skin tone. He slowly wiggled a hand between them not sure what he was doing but curious to see if Steve’s dick was looking like the picture. He ran his fingers over Steve’s stomach and felt his cock, hard as a rock. 

He leaned back smiling lazily, the memories completely pushed back for now. He was only thinking about Steve now and the story. 

Bucky looked at his own diapered crotch as Steve’s fingers played over his abs. 

“May I?” Steve asked softly, putting two fingers under the waistband of Bucky’s sweats.

Bucky nodded slowly.

Steve pulled them off, running his hands gently up Bucky’s thighs. “You are so beautiful,” he whispered.

Bucky didn’t think he was but hearing Steve say it made him feel good.

Steve removed his diaper and Bucky was a little surprised to see his dick was hard like Steve’s. Hydra had always stimulated him other ways  he’d never gotten hard on his own. Until the other night. 

“That is called an erection,” Steve smiled. “It happens when you get aroused.” 

“Aroused.” Bucky caught the word. Oh! That’s why Steve was so embarrassed! 

“So...”Bucky eyed him, “We’re both here now. What’s next?”

Steve grinned. “The fun is just starting.” He moved slowly slotting himself against Bucky’s hips, their cocks touching each other. 

Bucky felt excitement racing through him at the feeling of Steve’s hands on him. Steve’s breathing was hot on his chest as Steve kissed his neck and collarbone. 

Slow and steady Steve started to rock against Bucky, their cocks rubbing together. 

Bucky had never felt such a sense of pleasure that he could remember. He pushed his hips up to meet Steve’s and immediately the sensation heightened. 

Bucky wasn’t sure when his instinct took over. Rocking, thrusting, kissing, gripping ass.  He heard Steve’s breathing get faster. He rutted against Bucky, frantically and erratically. Bucky felt his pleasure heighten and he was starting to feel like he was reaching a pinnacle. 

“Oh god Buck,” Steve ground out, breathing fast and heavy. “I’m gonna cum!” He was moving hard and fast. 

Pleasure crashed over Bucky making him  feel like he was drowning in it and at the same time flying in a heady rush. A warm rush of liquid spurted onto his stomach and he vaguely thought of the picture. That’s what that felt like. He managed to open his eyes enough to see Steve’s head thrown back and back arched with pleasure. 

The feeling finally ebbed and he felt drained but euphoric.

He turned his head to look at Steve. “Wow! That was amazing!”

Steve was relaxed, stars in his eyes, cheeks flushed with exertion. He pulled Bucky close to his side feeling their heated skin touch. “Man, Buck....” He didn’t have to say anything else  Bucky felt the same way. 

 Steve kissed Bucky’s jaw and got up. “I’ll get you diapered and we’ll cuddle.”

He got up and got a dry diaper. Using a wipe, he cleaned up the cum from both of them, laughing at the trajectory of Bucky’s spurt halfway up his chest. “Did you enjoy it?”

Bucky felt sleepy and relaxed as Steve diapered him. “Yeah. That was so much fun. Can we read the story again tomorrow?”

Steve giggled and pulled him in snug. “We forgot the last page.”

He grabbed the book and paged through until he came to the last one.

The picture was of them cuddling closely with Bucky’s head on Steve’s chest. They were both smiling. The caption said “Time to cuddle.”

Bucky put his head on Steve’s chest and traced a finger around one of his nipples. 

Steve ran a hand through Bucky’s hair. “I love you, Buck.”  

Bucky only hesitated a moment. Yes it felt right. They’d finished the story.  “I love you too, Steve.” 


	14. Almost Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to the darling TheVillain for betaing this chapter! Couldn’t have managed it without the input!!

Steve felt relaxed next to Bucky. He could hardly believe what they’d just done. His cheeks hurt from grinning. It had felt like old times. Maybe Bucky hadn’t known exactly what to do but he’d gotten the hang of it pretty quickly. 

He kissed Bucky’s head tenderly. He loved this man so much!

Bucky looked up at him. “Steve,” he hesitated for a long minute.

“What is it baby?” Steve prompted.

“You didn’t draw any pictures with chains or gags or whips. Why not?”

For one nauseating second, Steve wondered why he would even ask and then thought of the brief flashback Bucky’d had. His stomach clenched uncomfortably.

Bucky’s face immediately tensed as he sensed Steve’s reaction. “Is that a bad question?”

“No,” Steve reassured him immediately, “I didn’t draw that because I don’t enjoy that kind of thing. I don’t think having sex should hurt.”

Bucky looked confused. “This....thing we did? It was called,” His voice dropped to a bare whisper, “Sex?”

Steve felt anxiety and panic at the sudden look of horror in Bucky’s eyes. 

“Buck, what’s wrong?” He asked, reaching for Bucky’s hand. 

Bucky shrank away from him. “I- I have to go.” He grabbed at his clothes and darted out of the room, trying to get his pants on.

“Shit,” Steve groaned, and threw on some clothes. He heard their apartment door slam and cursed his idea up and down. Not again!!! How was he gonna explain to Stark this time??

“Friday! Track Sergeant Barnes please!” He said desperately. His brain was trying to figure out what he’d said to make Bucky run. The word sex had triggered something! 

“Sergeant Barnes is with Mr. Barton on the eighteenth floor.”

Clint’s floor. Why would he be on Clint’s floor?? Steve thought frantically. Worried for his friend’s wellbeing he rushed out of the apartment and raced down three flights of stairs to Clint’s floor.

Clint’s door was closed and Steve knocked and then knocked again. “Bucky!”

The door opened and Friday said “Mr. Barton has agreed to see you.”

Clint looked up as Steve nearly fell into the open door panic evident on his face.

Bucky was huddled just inside the door, sobbing as though his heart would break.

Clint was crouched beside him, trying to figure out what was wrong.

“Hey.” He said softly, “Figured you might show up.”

Steve knelt beside Bucky but Bucky pushed away from him and curled further into Clint’s chest.

Bucky may as well have punched him in the gut with his cybernetic implant. It couldn’t have hurt more.

“Bucky,” he said softly. “What did I say to upset you?”

Clint gently stroked Bucky’s hair. “Hey, you should talk to Steve.”

Bucky shook his head violently then suddenly gagged and retched as his anxiety turned physical.

Steve fought back the tears pushing to cloud his eyes. “I’m going to call Olivia.”

He called the therapist’s office and after giving a quick rundown of the emergency, Olivia came to the phone. Steve explained as well as he could, what had happened.

Olivia asked if she could talk to Bucky.

Bucky’s sobs finally stilled when he heard her calm voice over the speaker and once he was able to talk, Clint stepped out with Steve to give Bucky privacy.

“What happened?” Clint looked at Steve. 

Steve sighed. “I moved way too fast for him. I thought he was ready.”

Clint bit his lip sympathetically. “What can I do?”

Steve shook his head. “I hope I haven’t lost him. Clint....I can’t lose him.”

Clint hadn’t often seen Steve rattled. He put an arm around Steve’s broad shoulders. “I’m sure you’ll work it out. He’s got a lot of crap he’s working through.”

Steve nodded. “I know. I’m mad at myself for needing him.”

“We all need people,” Clint pointed out. “You deny yourself a lot. You’re allowed a few mistakes.”

Steve shook his head. “Not where Bucky’s concerned, I can’t. I just can’t.”

Clint sighed. “Sorry this is so hard for you Steve.”

Bucky came out of Clint’s place and handed Steve his phone. He didn’t say anything. Just held his hand out to Steve and asked if it was dinner time, because he was hungry.

Steve walked him back to their floor without a word. The tension was thick but he didn’t know what to say. It didn’t feel like he could say anything. 

Dinner was quiet as Steve ate his casserole and Bucky ate another sandwich because he wouldn’t even try the casserole. Steve didn’t fight him.

After dinner, Steve put the sketch book at the very back of his closet so he could forget about it. Stupid idea!! 

Bucky was curled into his corner of the couch, playing with his ball.

Steve sat in the chair,  staring at the floor, trying to escape the feelings of guilt that plagued him. Just because Olivia had said they were adult enough to have a relationship didn’t mean Bucky was ready. 

“Olivia said it wasn’t your fault,” Bucky said suddenly without any warning.

Steve looked at him, ready to contradict the theory. As usual, Bucky seemed to have read his thoughts. He wanted to point it out but Bucky was staring at the lights. Steve stayed quiet. 

“She said that sex isn’t bad. It’s what hydra taught me about it that made me react like that.” He turned the lights off and gently set the ball on the floor.

Steve still didn’t know what direction this conversation was going, so he just nodded slightly.

Bucky met his gaze, his blue eyes intense. “She said that I needed to give myself a chance to enjoy being with you if that’s what I wanted.”

Steve wanted to scream ‘Do You???!!’ But he remained quiet. It was always best to let Bucky finish his thoughts. Patience, Rogers!

“After talking to her.....I think I want that.....in awhile. Maybe in a week or so after I think about these memories that came back.”

Steve couldn’t stop the tears. He hadn’t completely lost Bucky.The relief was so great he felt shaky.He nodded, tried to say “I’m glad,” but it came out barely a whisper.

Bucky looked concerned. “You okay?”

Steve nodded then buried his face in his hands to cry softly. He hadn’t realized how afraid he was to lose Bucky.

After a few minutes, he felt calmer, and said, “I’m always ready to listen if you want to talk about your memories, Buck.”

Bucky thought that over. “They’re kinda scary. I haven’t poked them too much yet.”

“When you’re ready, we can poke them together,” Steve smiled.

Bucky nodded. “Can we read now? Come sit here so we can cuddle.” He patted the couch beside him. 

Steve got their book and sat beside Bucky snuggling against his shoulder. He felt Bucky put his arm around Steve’s shoulders.

Steve began, “Chapter Seven. One morning six months later, in April, I was busy...”


	15. Freak Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains graphic violence and rape references and flashbacks. Please stay safe!

Bucky had enjoyed the cuddles and the chapter a lot. He felt like he was getting this functioning thing under control.

When Steve took him to his bedroom at eight thirty he shyly asked, “Can we leave the door unlocked tonight?”

Steve stood there a long time, not saying anything.

Bucky could tell he was thinking about it. He gave Steve a wide eyed, puppy dog look.

Steve unfolded the dry diaper he was holding and motioned to the bed. “Let’s get you changed.”

Disappointed, Bucky lay down and put his feet on the bed. “You don’t trust me,” he pouted.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you,” Steve said softly, pulling the wet diaper off. “I don’t want to lose you. If you take off again, they’re going to put you in a psych ward.”

Bucky sighed deeply through his nose. “Okay. I get your point. But I’m clearer now. I handled the thing today. We talked it out.”

Steve finished taping the diaper and patted his hip. “We did. And I’m real proud of you. I just don’t think you’re ready for too much freedom yet.”

Bucky huffed out a breath. “Fine.”

Once he was snugly ensconced in a fresh diaper and warm pajama pants, Steve kissed his cheek and hugged him. “I love you Bucky. I hope you have a good sleep.”

Bucky nodded. “You too. Love you.”

He heard the lock click and lay back. Why wouldn’t Steve trust him? A jolt of anger stabbed through him. He didn’t want to be angry at Steve.He just wanted him to understand.

“Steve,” he said, knowing Steve could hear him. “I promise I’ll be good. I won’t run away. I....” He thought for a moment. “I won’t talk about whips and gags.”

There was no response and he stamped his foot in frustration.  Why was it such a big deal to Steve??!

Whips. Gags. Chains. When Steve had said the word sex, it had spawned a lot of different images in his head, none of them happy. Sex wasn’t a good thing to Bucky. 

He had the scars where Hydra handlers had marked him so deeply during the “sessions” that even the serum couldn’t heal them completely.

 

_Bucky was chained, naked, to a post in the otherwise empty cell, a ball gag forced into his mouth. His legs were pried apart. He had lost control of his bladder already and the puddle of urine on the floor was currently the object of the handler’s wrath. The handler was taking great pleasure in marking the soldier’s powerful thighs now that he was unable to fight back. The braided whip snaked out repeatedly across his thighs and stomach, causing the skin to tear and bleed. The Asset tried to scream behind the gag. He was used to pain but this had been going on for several hours. This handler had also raped him repeatedly in that time frame, and seemed to be in the mood to beat him senseless. His long dark hair was plastered to his face with sweat and silent tears that coursed down his cheeks._

_He whimpered behind the gag because that was all he could do._

_The door to the cell opened and there was a harsh command to stop. The handler dropped the whip and left. The soldier was left broken and bleeding to heal on his own as well as he could._

Bucky sat up shaking from the stark memory. How could he have forgotten that? And yet it seemed it must have been someone else. He pushed his pajama pants off, staring at the front of his thighs then running his finger over the white scars.He did remember now.

When he’d been set free, he had found the handler who had done it and wrapped the whip around his neck, choking him to death. He’d tried to enjoy the bastard’s last gasps for breath but even in death the bulging eyes haunted him. The chair had wiped the memory away for awhile. He wished it would have been forever. 

Bucky felt tears prick at his eyes. He could see his face tonight so clearly. Grotesque in his enjoyment of the pain he had caused. Grotesque in death because Bucky had choked the life out of him.Bucky let the sadness turn to rage. A rage so deep that it had caused him to go after and kill a man. It wasn’t just ‘anger’ as Olivia had naively suggested.

It was an all consuming, animalistic rage that he couldn’t contain when it escaped the tight cage of his control.

Ithad fuelled his every waking moment for the last seventy years, had helped him survive every damn,shitty thing Hydra had done to him! Now he had to try and keep it down so he didn’t hurt Steve. It was always hardest when the memories came and dragged him back into Hydra’s grasp. It clawed at the edges of his mind causing the meltdowns but he didn’t know if he’d completely lost his mind to it again. 

He felt himself going blank and he fought against it. Not now! It was building. His control was breaking. The memories were too strong.

“Steve,” he said weakly but he wasn’t even sure if he said it out loud. Whiteness blinded him. Maybe it was just another meltdown. He desperately hoped so. The rage scared him.

Bucky launched himself off the bed, growling and screaming.

He threw the lamp from his desk, shattering it against the wall. Next was the nightstand. It hit the steel door with a resounding thud.He yanked the bedding off the mattress and threw it across the room.He would find that damn handler and kill him again!

Bucky raged on, pulling all his clothes out of his dresser and throwing them everywhere. He screamed in a bloody howl of rage, smashing against his face with his fists. He turned the dresser drawers into kindling with his left arm. 

He thought he saw the handler in the corner, whip raised.

A feral cry rocketed out of his throat before he tossed the broken nightstand at the looming figure.

The nightstand hit the wall and broke again, leaving a gaping hole in the hypocrisy. To Bucky’s disappointment, the image dissolved.

Bucky tore at the empty air, looking for the man, craving destruction. He wanted to kill the people responsible for the pain that he dealt with! EVERY! DAMN! DAY! The handler was here! He’d seen him!

“Bucky!”

The voice resonated deep inside him. He was the Asset. Bucky was dead. 

Bucky spun around, his eyes hazed red with rage. He lunged across the room, crossing it in four steps, his arms out to choke the handler to death! “You will NEVER hurt me again!” He screamed. This time the figure didn’t dissolve!

“Bucky, luv,” the voice was softer, a little strangled.

“NO!” He tossed the handler across the room turning again to attack him. Why would he call him by that name? He rushed forward.

A sharp pain in his neck caused him to cry out and struggle against the immediate darkness that was closing in. He tried to fight against it, tried to grab at the source of the sting.

He fell heavily, feeling his head connect with his bed frame.

The anger was dissipating and he suddenly wondered what he was doing. Just before the darkness enveloped him he thought Steve was probably right not to trust him. He just couldn’t remember why.

 


	16. Bucky Agrees

Steve came to with Sam’s concerned face above him. “Oh thank god!! He’s awake!”

Tony appeared a moment later. “Good.”

Steve felt achy. He slowly sat up, wondering why he was in Tony’s lab on one of the medical beds. The events of the day came rushing back. 

“Where’s Bucky?” He asked with deep concern and an edge of panic. 

Sam sighed. “He’s in the stoned zone. Bruce gave him enough so he’ll sleep for several hours. Steve, he hurt you.”

Steve sat up. He gently rubbed at his  neck where it hurt. One of his friends had bandaged his forearm tightly. He could feel a bruise tightening the skin on his cheek. “Did he break my arm?”He lifted the bandaged appendage. 

“No. But only because Friday alerted us. He was completely out of control.”  Tony said seriously. 

Tony looked up from his tinkering and came over to Steve. “You gotta figure out a way to get him stabilized. Tranquilizing him when he gets to this point works but it’s not good for him and it’s definitely not good for us! He just about took Sam out before Clint got him.”

Steve looked down at his knees. His jeans had a jagged hole on one knee and halfway up his thigh where he’d caught the edge of the broken nightstand when Bucky threw him. The long red cut along the visible skin was almost healed.

He had never seen Bucky so enraged. He hadn’t been able to get through to him at all. He also couldn’t put his friends in jeopardy.

“I don’t know what set him off,” Steve said, looking at his friends. “I’ll talk to him once he’s awake and calm.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Cap,” Tony said, looking him straight in the eye. “You’re too close to the situation. The rest of the team has already made a decision. He either goes on some stabilizing medication or he goes to the psych ward. We can’t trust him.”

Steve felt the words cut him deeply but he knew Tony was right, even though it galled him that the team had made this decision without asking him. 

Bucky hated medication and had refused it to this point even though Olivia had been suggesting it for several months.

Hydra had forced all manner of pills and crap down his throat so it was no wonder he was suspicious.

He was also as stubborn as the day was long. His fear of losing Bucky wasn’t going to matter to anyone.

 Maybe this was the breaking point. He’d thought Bucky couldn’t hurt him. Was he wrong? That rage had been almost inhuman. Bucky had been so strong.

Steve hadn’t been afraid until Bucky grabbed his throat. That brought back a few memories. Bucky hadn’t given him a chance to get ahold of him. Tony interrupted his guilt laden inner monologue. 

“That bedroom is gonna need a complete makeover,” Tony said gravely. “He destroyed it.”

“I’ll pay for it,” Steve said quickly.The annoyance he felt with Tony was just a reaction to the stress.

“Don’t worry about it,” Tony said. “I’ll have guys there first thing tomorrow. Until then, he’ll stay down here in the Cage.”

Tony had built aroom strong enough to hold the Hulk. It was currently where Bucky was sleeping.

“I need to see him when he wakes up,” Steve said heavily. “He’s gonna be scared. I need to talk to him. He’ll listen to me.”

Tony and Sam didn’t look as though they believed him but they didn’t argue.

Steve took his aching body to the elevator and went back to his floor. Everything was in its place until you went past Bucky’s room. It looked like a tornado and a hurricane had decided to rip through the room together.

Steve stared at the mess for a long while, willing it to be a bad dream. He slowly started picking up broken wood from the shattered furniture and tossing it into a garbage bag.

He just didn’t know why Bucky had gone off the deep end. He’d heard him call and then when he’d shown up not even five minutes later he’d been in this feral rage.

As he picked up some glass he saw Bucky’s blood on the rug, dried now. His poor baby. Something had snapped and Steve hadn’t been there for him. Guilt made his tears start.

Once the main bulk of broken items had been cleaned up, Steve remade the bed and folded Bucky’s clothes into a laundry basket. The dresser was a write off. 

A hint of his laundry soap hit Steve and he buried his nose in one of Bucky’s T-shirts, letting his tears fall, there where no one else could see. He missed him so much. He was pretty sure that Bucky would end up in the psych hospital.

After he felt calmer and had a good hot shower, Steve got Bucky’s ball, a clean diaper some clean clothes and one of his fuzzy blankets and then went back down to the lab.

Sam had gone but Tony was still tinkering. “He’s starting to stir.”

“Okay,” Steve said with relief. “Can you open the door please?”

Tony looked at him for a very long moment. “Fine. But I’m staying right here and if he so much as coughs wrong, I’m shooting him with another tranq.”

Steve nodded with a deep sigh. The door slid open and he stepped inside.

Bucky was blinking groggily. “Steve?” He asked hoarsely.

“Yeah buddy,” Steve said softly. “I’m here.”

Bucky looked around. “Where am I?” He squinted against the light.

“Tony’s lab.” Steve stayed beside the door. He watched Bucky process this information with a frown.

“What’d I do?” He asked softly. His eyes widened at seeing the bruise on Steve’s face.

“You went all Karl Marx on your room and I got in the way.” Steve slowly came close to the bed.

Bucky tenderly brushed a flesh finger over the bruise. “Oh god, Steve. I hit you. The last thing I remember is......” He frowned in intense concentration. “My memories of sex at Hydra’s hands came back.”

“Oh Buck.” Steve’s whisper broke. “I brought all this on.”

Bucky shook his head. “No. Even if we hadn’t....ya know? I would’ve still remembered. Maybe not today. But I would’ve.”

Steve gently put the things down on the chair and ran a hand through his hair. “But maybe you would’ve had a chance to be ready  I should’ve been there. 

Bucky looked from the chair to Steve. “Steve? Are you.....are you kicking me out?” His voice was anxious and full of tears.

Steve jolted his eyes to Bucky’s face. “Oh! Oh no Bucky! No! No. I just thought you might want a few of your things for tonight. Tony, uh, he wants to keep you here, uh, for...” He couldn’t finish the sentence. Bucky’s eyes were huge and filled with pain.

Steve felt like he’d killed a puppy. “Gosh Buck! Don’t look at me like that!”

Bucky looked confused. “What?”

Steve couldn’t stop himself. He wrapped his arms around Bucky and cried into his shirt. “I can’t do this Buck. I miss you so much already.”

“What are we doing?” Bucky asked a tad suspiciously.

“Everyone has decided you either go on meds or....or.” Steve swiped at the tears still running down his face.

Realization dawned on Bucky’s face. “Or they want me to leave.” He nodded in understanding.

Steve turned his back to try and calm down. Tony refused to meet his eyes.

“I’ll do it, Steve,” Bucky said quietly, resolutely.

Steve took a moment to turn around. “What did you say?”

Bucky had tears in his eyes too but he had his mind made up. “I’ll take pills. Whatever Stark wants.”

Steve felt some hope. “You will?”

Medication was a really big thing for him. Hydra had forced so much shit on him.

Bucky looked at him. “You think it’ll work?”

“We gotta try,” Steve said, folding him into a hug and kissing his forehead before laying his cheek on the top of his dark hair. “Thank you Buck.”

Bucky pressed against him. “You’re not the only one who doesn’t want to lose this, punk.”

”Jerk,” Steve returned and they both laughed a little through their tears.

It didn’t take long for Olivia to be called and for a prescription to be filled. She was putting Bucky on a cocktail of antipsychotics andmood stabilizers.

Steve stayed with Bucky that night after he’d taken the first three pills and they watched the lights of the ball on the walls of the Cage together until Bucky fell asleep.

Steve kissed him softly then lay down on the floor beside his bed. “Good night Buck,” he whispered.


	17. Never Give It Up

Bucky woke up to Bruce Banner’s light shining in his eye. He pulled back, blinking.

“What the hell?” He muttered. “Where’s Steve?”

“He’s having breakfast,” The doctor said, continuing to examine Bucky. When he hit a tender spot on his ribs Bucky inhaled sharply. 

“You had quite the meltdown last night,” Bruce  said, pressing gently on Bucky’s stomach. 

“I know,” the super soldier answered quietly. 

When he started to pull down the waistband of Bucky’s sweats to check his lower abdomen, Bucky grabbed his hand. “What are you doing?”

“Just checking you over. Making sure you’re good to leave the lab. Tony wants me to give you the green light.”

Bucky paused. As far as he knew, Steve was the only one aware that he was in diapers and he wasn’t about to just let Banner strip him down.

“I’m fine,” Bucky said. “I’m good. The meds seem to be working.”

“The sleeping pill is the only thing you’d notice after one dose,” Bruce said wryly. “Give the rest a few days. You may have some side effects from the apiprazole and the citalopram.”

“The who and what?” Bucky asked. He was still trying to process that the doctor had put him on sleeping pills. No wonder he’d slept like a frickin’ log.

Bruce held up the two orange pill bottles. “Dizziness, drowsiness, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, headache, gas, sweating, dry mouth, hunger. To name a few. Should only last about a week though.”

“Sounds fun,” Bucky deadpanned.

Bruce shrugged. “Better than having to get shot with a tranquilizer every few days. I have to finish examining you.” 

Bucky sat up. “I’m fine. Really. I don’t like being touched.”

”I realize that but I have my orders,” Bruce said apologetically. “Sorry.”

Bucky made a face but slowly lay back down. “Fine.” 

Bruce pulled his sweats down, barely glancing at the diaper he was wearing. “You have some bruising but it should heal.” He pulled the sweats back into place. 

Bucky slid off the bed and stumbled.

Bruce caught him. “Easy, bud.”

“Where’s Steve?” Bucky asked. His diaper was soaking wet and he had no idea how to get to their apartment.

Bruce called Steve on the phone and told him Bucky was ready to leave.

Steve came into the lab a few minutes later, dressed in jeans and a light grey T-shirt.

Bucky looked at him admiringly.He looked so good! “Hey,” he said softly. 

“Hey,” Steve smiled. “How ya feeling?”

“Like I had a sleeping pill,” Bucky sighed. “I feel like crap.” 

“How about a bath when we get upstairs?” Steve suggested, taking Bucky’s things.

Bucky shrugged. “Kay.” He was probably a mess. He was pretty sure he could smell his own stench of sweat, urine and just overall man smell.

Once they were in their apartment, Steve gently took Bucky’s hand and led him into the bathroom.

Bucky was shaking uncontrollably most likely still from the sleeping pill and nerves at the thought of taking a bath or from the new pills, he wasn’t sure but his legs weren’t going to hold him. His knees buckled.

Steve caught him as he fell and sat him on the edge of the tub then started the water. “You’ve been through a lot the last twenty four hours, honey,” he said softly, stroking Bucky’s hair.

Bucky couldn’t speak through his chattering teeth so he just nodded a little.

Steve helped him strip and then get into the warm water.

Bucky’s teeth still chattered even though the warm water felt good.

He felt the darkness that had consumed him yesterday, pressing at the back of his mind.

“Steve, can I tell you what happened?” He pointed at the scars on his thighs.

Steve nodded, gently running a washcloth over his face. “You can tell me anything.”

Bucky tried to keep his breathing calm. He started to tell Steve about the agent, the sessions, the sexual abuse, the anger, the murder he’d committed. As he talked, his voice went from shaky to stronger. He felt the heaviness melt. His tears mingled with the bathwater.

Steve kissed his cheeks now and then and listened, only interrupting now and then to say “Oh baby, that must have been awful.”

Bucky let his chin drop to his chest after his words had run out. He felt drained, but the darkness wasn’t pressing so tightly anymore.

Steve washed him all over, including his hair and then helped him out wrapping him in a large bath towel. “Come to my room.”

Bucky went past his room and wondered why it was empty.

He soon found his things in Steve’s room. His clothes anyway. And his ball.

Steve got a diaper out. “Lay down, babe.”

He obeyed, huddling into the towel.

Steve dried his genitals and crotch area carefully. “You’re pretty red again.” He smeared a generous amount of penaten onto Bucky’s groin and then taped the diaper snugly.

He handed Bucky a pair of pajama pants and a warm sweater. “You cold?”

Bucky nodded and got dressed as quickly as he could.

“You want breakfast?” Steve asked.

Bucky nodded. “Something light. My stomach’s off. Banner gave me a list as long as my arm of side effects of these pills. Sick stomach was at the top. My stomach’s finicky on the best of days.”

Steve nodded. “Toast?”

Bucky said, “Sure. Thank you.”

After he’d scarfed three slices of toast and two glasses of orange juice, and his morning dose of pills sans sleeping pill, he yawned and told Steve he was claiming the couch. “It must be the meds. I can’t fuckin’ stay awake!”

Steve sat beside him, stroking his hair and telling him little things that were going on. Platonic, calming news.

Bucky felt himself slipping into a sleep that felt nice and comforting.

When he woke, he stretched feeling relaxed and rested. He started to move then stopped. Something was very very off.... No. He had to be wrong.

His stomach was still cramping a little but not uncomfortably anymore. He’d been dreaming that it had been really awful.... and he had to go to the toilet...... He could feel his face heating up. Oh gosh. Oh no. He’d ....he’d messed his diaper while he was sleeping.What the hell.... “diarrhea” Bruce has said.But while he was asleep?? This was fucked up!! He had no idea what to do....

Steve came into the living room. “Oh good. You’re awake. I thought I’d have to wake you to change you.”

Bucky didn’t think he was going to survive the burn of the embarrassment. He was going to self combust. “Steve,” he tried to say past the panic in his throat. “I had-“

Steve smiled and patted change pad he’d laid out on the floor. “You had an accident. I know. It’s okay. Bruce told me about the side effects too. How’s your stomach now?”

Bucky felt tears slide from his eyes as he slid down onto the change pad. He covered his face with his hands. He would rather burst into flames. 

Steve gently removed his sweats and pulled the diaper down, cleaning him carefully.

Bruce wasn’t kidding! When he was clean, Steve tapped Bucky’s hip. “Roll off the change pad so I can get this out of the way.”

Bucky rolled over, seeing Steve gather up the soiled mess in the disposable change pad and putting it all in a garbage bag and tying it.

“Good thing you were diapered,” he said brightly. “Made clean up a lot easier.”

Bucky lay there while Steve put a fresh diaper on him, still not looking at him. He was mortified.Why this? Why?? He’d rather vomit his guts out  than this!! How could Steve not be disgusted?? He felt tears leak out of his eyes again. Felt like all he did was be a burden. He curled into his corner of the couch and cried. 

After Steve had washed his hands he sat down beside Bucky. “Quit beating yourself up over this. It was an accident. Not a big deal.”

“Easy for you to say,” Bucky mumbled, sniffling. “You’re not the one who can’t control your fuckin body!”

Steve grabbed a tissue then pulled Bucky into his arms. “Buck, I don’t care. Seriously. If I had to clean your poopy diapers every day, or feed you, or anything! I wouldn’t love you any less!”

Bucky shook his head. “You’re an idiot. You shouldn’t be throwing your life away for me.” He wiped his nose and his face. 

Steve guffawed loudly.

Bucky wondered what was so funny. He was being serious.

“How many other guys who are supersoldiers from the forties do you see around here? Tell me Buck.”

Bucky sighed. Steve always brought it up like it somehow made every fucked up thing he did okay. “One,” he growled.

“Exactly!” Steve said triumphantly.“I might be an idiot but-“

“You’re my idiot,” Bucky finished affectionately, pulling Steve in and giving him a noogie. “Fine. You’re almost as fucked up as I am.”

Steve got up and sat down, straddling Bucky’s lap. “So shut up about this ‘wasting my life on you’ crap, you frickin’ jerk.” He lay a quick kiss on Bucky’s cheek. 

Bucky narrowed his eyes. “Jerk, huh? Okay dumbass, get offa me!” Bucky giggled pushing playfully  at Steve’s chest. 

Steve tumbled back pulling him onto the floor and into a bone crushing hug. “I love you James Buchanan Barnes. Every last particle. Got that?”

Bucky bit his lip. “Okay.” He thought for a moment then grinned mischievously. “Even....this?” He gave Steve a wet Willy and then squirmed out of his grasp as Steve yelped. “Okay Barnes! What the hell!?”

Bucky raced into the storage room and hid behind the washing machine.

Steve stalked in. “Good thing you’re a creature of habit.” He sucked his finger vigorously.

Bucky was giggling too loudly now to maintain his hiding spot. Steve knew where he was anyway.

As soon as he stood up, Steve whisked him into his arm and pinned him backwards against his solid body.

Bucky cringed as Steve stuck his wet, spit covered finger in his ear but he was also laughing. “Okay! You got me!” 

Steve kissed his neck. “I do. I’ve got you.” His voice had gone soft.

Bucky turned his face to look up at Steve. Steve’s eyes were soft, alluring, and Bucky could see that Steve really did want him. 

He pulled Steve’s other arm around him then pulled that strong square jaw down and kissed Steve’s lips. 

He didn’t care how sick the meds made him. He wouldn’t give this up for anything.


	18. Maybe Not Today

Steve nuzzled the back of Bucky’s neck gently.  Bucky was completely relaxed in his arms. Steve revelled in the softness of Bucky’s skin. He smelled of shampoo and soap and something that was just Bucky. He kissed gently under his ear. He didn’t really care if it didn’t go further than kissing. 

Bucky’s body language was telling him he wanted this too. 

Bucky giggled softly as Steve tickled his neck with his lips.

“You’re a little giggly,” Steve said, in a low smooth tone, moving his hands to Bucky’s stomach.

Bucky shivered a little as Steve touched the sensitive skin.

He put one finger under Bucky’s T-shirt and glided it softly along the tender skin just above the waistband of his sweats. He wanted to kiss there too but not yet. Slow, Rogers, he reminded himself. 

When Bucky didn’t move away, Steve took it as a sign to continue. He felt his cock stirring. He had an armful of compliant Bucky, ready and waiting for him to make a move. 

Bucky leaned a little further into him, stretching back to wrap his arms around Steve’s neck. His T-shirt slid up and his sweats shifted, exposing his perfect hips and lower abdomen. 

Steve almost drooled. His finger trailed down the thin line of dark hair that disappeared into his diaper. He wanted to follow it in the worst way. His cock was poking Bucky’s padded ass now. He hummed softly in Bucky’s ear. “Hi gorgeous.” 

Bucky sighed softly, shivering as Steve’s finger slid just inside his diaper. His breathing hitched a little. He reached up and nipped gently at Steve’s jaw. “I think-“

He stopped. “Crap! Steve I gotta poop! Sorry!” He dashed for the bathroom.

Steve chuckled, trying to calm his hard on before following him a minute later. “Did you make it?”

“No!” Bucky exploded in frustration. “Gosh Steve! This better not last long!!”

Steve got a clean diaper and a box of wipes. Poor Bucky. Diarrhea wasn’t fun for anyone but for someone who struggled with control as it was, it was going to be a few rough days.

Once Bucky was clean and dry again, he slumped on the couch. “Great way to wreck the mood! I was enjoying that!”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Steve said softly. “We'll pick it up again some other time, just....maybe not today. Your body seems to be in the mood to keep you busy.”

Bucky looked ready to cry. “But...we were just having a good time! I hope these meds don’t take too long to settle into my system.”

“How about lunch?” Steve asked. “It’s about that time anyway.”

Bucky huffed out a noisy sigh and followed Steve to the kitchen. “My stomach doesn’t feel so good either.”

“It’s the medication.” Steve poured Bucky a glass of ginger ale. “Sip this.”

While Bucky sipped his drink, Steve made some tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. He crushed crackers into Bucky’s soup and cut his sandwich. “Try and eat a little at least.”

Steve ate his own lunch keeping an eye on his tablemate. 

Bucky ate a few spoons full of soup and ate most of his sandwich before shaking his head. “Sorry, Stevie. I can’t eat no more.”

“S’okay babe,” Steve said, noticing the sudden pallor on Bucky’s cheeks. “You gonna puke?”

Bucky ran for the bathroom again and Steve sighed. He wondered how long these side effects would last. Maybe Bruce could give him an idea. 

Bucky came back a few minutes later, and got a glass of water. “No more tomato soup please.”

Steve nodded. “Sorry baby.”

Bucky drank thirstily.

“Slow down a bit,” Steve suggested. “Or it might not stay down either.”

Bucky barely covered a wide yawn. “I’m so thirsty. My mouth feels like I was using it to shovel sand!”  He refilled the glass. He drank it down as well then yawned again. 

“You wanna lay down for a bit?” Steve could see he was tired.

Bucky was reluctant though. “What if....,”

Steve put a finger to his lips. “It doesn’t matter. Bruce said it’ll be rough for a few days. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

Bucky considered arguing then thought better of it; turned to go to the couch and lost his balance almost falling. Steve grabbed his arm.

“Careful buddy. You dizzy?”

“Little bit,” Bucky murmured, closing his eyes.

Steve walked Bucky to the couch and gave him his blanket. “Try and sleep some.”

Bucky nodded. “I will. Thanks Steve.”

It wasn’t long before Steve saw that he was asleep. It was so weird seeing Bucky nap every few hours.

He settled down in the armchair and put his head back. He hadn’t had the greatest night either on the Cage floor. Might as well nap while Bucky did. 

With that thought in mind and intending to only doze, Steve fell asleep, snoring softly and dreaming of Bucky in 1945.

 


	19. A Forever Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter. Thanks for reading all my lovelies. I appreciate all the kind comments and encouragement that I received. That to a writer is like water to a man in the desert. <3

Bucky didn’t keep track of how many times he had accidents the next few days. It seemed like his body didn’t care that he was trying to maintain at least a semblance of dignity. Olivia prescribed some pills to lessen the side effects for him. Unfortunately, they took at least twenty four hours to start working. 

It was a growing time for him as he realized Steve meant what he said about loving all of him. When he cried into Steve’s shoulder about being a burden, Steve had said “I’m here for the forever kind of thing, Bucky. Get used to it.”

Steve held his hair while he puked his guts out, cleaned up his messy diapers every couple hours when he’d lose control, massaged his scalp when his head ached unbearably.

Bucky would get ridiculously embarrassed and hide behind one of his fuzzy blankets every time Steve had to change him. He was pretty sure Steve would never want to look at him as anything more than a broken down fucked up piece of crap again.

The medication was helping though. The darkness that caused the meltdowns was kept at bay. It didn’t cut out the temper tantrums though. Keeping his frustration under control was not easy. 

Bucky was feeling like crap. He’d just thrown up again and was just done with everything. He was trying to find something on tv and the remote was being difficult. With a frustrated cry, he hurled it across the room. It hit the wall and broke apart. 

Steve came running in to see what the problem was. Without a word, he picked up the broken remote and put it away. He got Bucky’s ball and they sat and watched the lights till he fell asleep. 

Then four days later the side effects seemed to taper off. He felt normal again  

Bucky noticed it during lunch when the usual queasiness wasn’t there. He ate his lunch without complaining, even most of the vegetables. He still didn’t want the cucumbers though but Steve asked if he would at least try it again.

He took a tentative bite. He chewed it as fast as possible and swallowed. He guzzled his water. “I don’t like them!”

Steve smiled. “Fine. I get it. You don’t like cucumbers.”

He ate the rest of his lunch and pushed away from the table. “Can we go play MarioKart?”

Steve nodded. “Sure. How are you feeling?”

“Better,” he answered. Truthfully, he was feeling a lot better. The meds had started working. He didn’t feel as confused all the time. And sleeping every night was helping too. He had energy today. 

After loading the dishwasher, Steve gave him a soap tab. “Can you start it?”

Bucky felt an anxious pang in his stomach. He’d never started the dishwasher. He turned the tab over in his hands a few times. It was kind of soft and squishy. He knew the soap went in the dispenser.

He flipped the lid of the dispenser shut then open again, yep it worked. He did it again, then again. He forgot he was supposed to start the dishwasher till Steve touched his shoulder. “Can you put the soap in, Buck?”

He glanced at the tab in his hand. Right. He dropped it in the dispenser and closed it. Somehow anxious that maybe it wasn’t in there he popped it open again. There it was. He closed it.

Steve gently moved his hands and closed the dishwasher door and hit start. “You wanna go play MarioKart?”

Bucky looked at him for a moment, reorienting himself. “Oh. Yeah.”

They went down to the games room. To Bucky’s dismay, Clint, Natasha and Tony were all playing MarioKart already.

He frowned. “I wanna play!”

Steve took his hand. “I know. We’ll get a turn. You ever played Donkey Kong?”

Bucky shook his head. “I wanna play MarioKart!” He watched the trio playing noisily. 

Steve sat down in front of the other Nintendo console. He showed Bucky how to play Donkey Kong. Bucky tried to catch on to how the game worked but he was distracted by the yelling and cursing coming from the other side of the room.

Tony was a very noisy racer. “Clint! Get the frick off my bumper you asshole!” He leaned towards Nat as he tried to avoid Clint’s blue shell.

She pushed him away. “You’re making me lose!”

Bucky stood up to watch.

Steve decided to forget Donkey Kong and joined Bucky in the spectator department.

Clint was laughing his ass off as he passed Tony. “Gotcha!”

“Not fair!” Tony howled.

When the race was done, he cuffed Clint upside the head. “You suck!”

“You’re a sore loser, Tony,” Clint retaliated, still laughing.

Bucky eagerly reached for the abandoned Wii Wheel.

Nat held hers out to Steve. “I gotta go too. Have fun.”

Steve watched Bucky as they started playing. His moods were more stable but he wasn’t always perfect. He seemed to be having fun though.

They played several races which Bucky won easily and he gave Steve a look. “Are you letting me win? C’mon!”

Steve blushed a little and looked at Clint who also looked guilty.

They started playing more competitively.

Bucky won a few races. He especially hated the blue shells and always yelled at the screen, making Clint laugh.

After several hours, Steve set down his wheel. “My butt’s getting sore. You probably need a break too Buck.” He looked at him meaningfully.

Bucky didn’t want to stop. He was already picking his next vehicle. He was having the time of his life. “No,” he whined. “Clint can I be Mario this time?” 

“Bucky,” Steve said, his voice carrying a hint of firmness. “It’s time for a break.”

“Fine!” Bucky yelled and threw his controller on the floor. The plastic made a loud crack and Clint looked up.

Steve quirked an eyebrow. “If you’re gonna throw things, you’re not playing anymore.” He picked up the controller and put it on the shelf.

Bucky burst into tears and ran towards the elevator.

Steve caught up and grabbed his hand. “Hey, hey, hey....what’s going on?”

Bucky shrugged, wiping his eyes with the bottom of his t shirt. “I don’t know, Steve. My feelings are all over the place.”

“It could be the meds,” Steve said, folding him into a warm hug. “It’s okay. It’s better than melting down though. That was hard on you.”

Bucky nodded. He hadn’t had a meltdown since he’d started the medication. He’d had a couple of tantrums but that was different. Olivia said he was still going to have anger to deal with and stuff. The medication would just help with the foggy times. He pushed back a little. “Why’d I have to stop? I wasn’t done playing.”

Steve raised an eyebrow. “I know you don’t realize it but you need a change. You’re sagging buddy. I didn’t think you’d want me to say that in front of Clint.”

Bucky looked at him, horrified. “No! Please don’t ever!” He wiggled a little. Steve was right. “Do you think he noticed?”

Steve shook his head. “I notice because I keep an eye out.”

Once they were in their apartment, Bucky went to his newly renovated room that still smelled like fresh paint and new wood. He lay down across his bed and stretched out, his long legs hanging off the edge. He wasn’t as tired as he’d been at the start but laying down felt nice. He had new furniture that all smelled really nice. 

Steve came in, carrying a diaper, wipes, a change pad and diaper cream. “Hi cutie,” he grinned. “Tired?”

Bucky shook his head. “Just relaxed.”

Steve pulled his sweats off. “Oh are you ever wet. You almost leaked. I guess you’re drinking more because of the pills.”

Bucky sighed. “Sorry.”

Steve, planted one hand gently on his hip. “Stop being sorry! I have to take it into consideration. That’s all. Change you every three hours or so.”

Bucky lifted his hips when Steve pulled his diaper down so he could pull it out.He wished many times that he had bladder control and that Steve didn’t have to deal with this.

“Steve,” he began shyly, looking up at his best friend.

Steve stopped wiping him. “Yeah?”

“Does it bother you that I have to wear diapers?” There. He’d asked the question that had plagued him for several weeks now.

Steve finished cleaning him and put the dry diaper aside. “I’m going to let you air out for a bit. Looks like you need it.”

“But what if I-“Bucky immediately asked anxiously.

Steve unfolded the change pad. “Lift.” He smoothed the pad under Bucky’s bottom and then lay down beside him, head resting on his arm. “I am going to answer this question one time because I know you need reassurance. Okay?” He looked serious, his blue eyes meeting Bucky’s.

Bucky nodded, trying to pull his shirt down far enough to cover his naked dick.

Steve gently traced circles on Bucky’s chest. “It doesn’t bother me at all. I think it’s adorable. Buck, I love you and I am pretty sure I’d think you were adorable if you sprouted a second head or horns. Stop beating yourself up over this.”

Bucky rolled onto his stomach, feeling less exposed.“I’ll try to remember that.” He met Steve’s blue eyes again and tried to read the warmth and the longing in them correctly. He loved Steve so much. For forever. 

He reached out and traced Steve’s jawline, the slight stubble. Steve must have shaved in the last day or so.

The room fell silent but Bucky could hear things. Steve’s heartbeat, his soft warm breaths on his fingers as he traced those luscious lips.

“Maybe today?” He whispered, rolling onto his side to face the man who loved him through everything.

Steve smiled and Bucky knew he remembered what he’d said several days ago.

Steve’s warm hand slid up under Bucky’s shirt and gently rubbed his back and then moved down, just skimming the top of his ass cheeks.

Bucky still had memory problems. He remembered the story though. He wondered momentarily what had happened to it. He didn’t need it. Not today. Tony had showed him some interesting magazines to spark his sex drive. He was ready. 

The pills also made the darkness fade. The Hydra memories were nowhere nearby to ruin this for him. He was feeling good today. Solid in himself.

He ran his fingers down Steve’s T-shirt and to the waistband of his jeans. When he glanced down between them, he could see that Steve was hard already. Aroused.

He pulled Steve closer and kissed him, lips barely grazing, eyes open and watching Steve’s face. He felt the rough denim of Steve’s jeans against his naked cock and shivered a little. His right hand found the button on Steve’s jeans and he fumbled with it until it popped open. He pushed the fly down and Steve wriggled out of his pants.

The soft fabric of his boxers rubbed against Bucky’s thigh and he could feel a spot of wetness where Steve’s cock was leaking. “Eager?” He asked with a soft laugh. “I’ve been waiting.”

Steve chuckled low and self conscious. “Can’t help it. You turn me on.”

“You get turned on just from changing me?” Bucky said, momentarily distracted by that thought.

Steve’s sudden deep blush answered that question.

Bucky giggled and kissed his warm cheek. “Pervert.”He ran his hand down until he was holding Steve’s ass cheek firmly.

Steve laughed out loud. “Punk.”

He stifled further insults and laughter by kissing Bucky deeply, the kiss going from slow and deep to rough and dirty. He tangled his hands in Bucky’s hair, hearing him moan as he bit lightly at his bottom lip then sucked on it.

Bucky’s dick responded to the kiss rather quickly. He eagerly rubbed against Steve’s thigh, his breathing getting a little faster.

Steve put a hand on his hip and rolled him onto his back. “Shirt off, brat,” he demanded breathlessly.

Bucky narrowed his eyes at Steve but pulled his T-shirt off, gazing adoringly as Steve tossed his shirt and boxers on the floor.His muscular chest and tapered waist made Bucky’s hands ache to hold him. “C’mon, punk. Whatcha got?”

Steve got back on the bed hands and knees on either side of Bucky. He gave Bucky a wicked grin. “Watch that mouth of yours, jerk.”

Bucky grinned, running light fingers from Steve’s shoulder down to the bit of pubic hair at the base of his rock hard erection. “Make me dumbass.”

Steve looked as though he would like to devour Bucky. He kissed his neck and chest, pausing to lick around his nipples till they were stiff.

Bucky was groaning now with arousal, his own cock leaking pre cum.

Steve kissed his abs and then his thighs and finally swirled his tongue lightly on the pink tip of Bucky’s cock.

Bucky’s pleasure filled cry burst out and Steve was glad they had their own floor.

He took Bucky in his mouth sucking slowly.Bucky writhed under him, getting up on his elbows. “Oh my god Steve! Oh...oh...”

Before Bucky could get too close to his climax, Steve pulled off and sat back.

Bucky growled and tried to pull him back.

Steve laughed. “You’ll get there yet, but I want to put that mouth of yours to work for something other than insulting me.”

Bucky was panting as he lay back. “Fine, jerk,” but he was laughing now. “You’re too good at this. You’ll have to teach me your ways.”

Steve turned so his cock was lined up with Bucky’s mouth and he was staring at Bucky’s still wet dick. “Just like this,” he said easily. “Put that luscious mouth to work.”

There was no more talking for several minutes as they moved in rhythm. The only sound was deep throated groans as pangs of pleasure shot through them.

Bucky could taste the salty bitterness of the cum leaking from Steve’s cock. He wrapped his hands around Steve’s ass, running his metal fingers gently down between those firm ass cheeks and gently prodding the tightly puckered hole.

Steve writhed and moaned and then squirmed with pleasure when Bucky stuck his finger in him, gently massaging his prostate.

Steve returned the favour and Bucky felt frissons of pleasure when Steve rubbed his g spot.

He felt his own climax looming. He grunted with the effort of trying not to let go of Steve’s cock in his mouth. His sucking became erratic but it didn’t matter because Steve was also close. He could tell because Steve was using his hand now to jerk Bucky off erratically arching back and moaning loudly. “Bucky! Oh yeah! I’m almost there!”

Bucky was thrusting into Steve’s hand and he grabbed Steve’s cock with his own hand to finish him off. He grunted, ending with a gasping shudder as cum spurted, coating Steve’s chest.

Steve yelled his name and he felt Steve’s cum hit his bare chest as well. They both gasped and panted, riding out their highs.

Bucky lay there, seeing stars for several long moments. He finally moved enough to roll onto his back. “Steve....can you reach the wipes?”

Steve giggled a little. “That’s why I put em on your nightstand.” He slowly sat up and heaved a deep breath. “Buck, I haven’t had a blowjob like that since the last time you gave me one.”

“Soooo.... since 1945,” Bucky said, poking his leg.

Steve grinned. “Somethin’ like that.”

He got the wipes and they cleaned themselves up and then Steve diapered Bucky and put his own boxers on.

Bucky lay properly on the bed and Steve curled alongside him. He traced Bucky’s strong jaw and high cheekbones. “You know, you really are pretty good looking, for an old guy.”

“Who you callin’ old?” Bucky asked with a mock frown.

Steve rolled out of bed. “I know you’re too old to catch me!” He grinned slyly and took off running as Bucky bounded off the bed in hot pursuit.

Steve giggled gleefully, staying just out of reach.

Bucky stopped chasing him. “You are an annoying punk, Steven Rogers!” He went into the kitchen to get a drink. All the....action.... had made him thirsty.

A moment later, he felt Steve’s arms come around his waist and settle gently on his bare stomach. “And you’re a crazy dumbass, James Barnes. That’s why we’re so perfect for each other.” His voice was soft in Bucky’s ear.

Bucky shook his head and grinned. “You have a point. So what do we wanna do this evening?”

Steve ran his hands down,over the padding between his thighs and stopped right where his flaccid cock was nestled between his legs. “I’d like to work on our relationship some more.”

“You’re a pervert Rogers ,” Bucky whispered. “At least you’re my pervert.” 

“Got that right Barnes,” Steve said, nibbling on his earlobe.

Bucky put a hand over Steve’s. “Jerk.”

Steve just laughed. He had Bucky back. Right now, nothing else mattered. 

 

 


End file.
